So here I am. Again and again and again. I keep promising myself I will write more, but then things happens and I can’t and I hide inside myself to hibernate all my feeling of servitude and slavery.
But then I come back, again and again, for what I am – a slave, a faggot, a painslut – emerges out of me with inherent timing, exactly when it shouldn’t happen, exactly when I am almost able to sedate myself.
Now though I am a bitch in heat. And you all know what that means.
But let’s not take it right to the point, let’s make a step behind and let’s say how and why I have been away… it is somehow of an epiphany itself what happened to me two months ago and it needs to be recorded.
I had a minor surgery – circumcision. Having a small case of phimosis I thought it would make me better, a better cock for a Master namely and also a better possible cock for a Prince Albert – again perfect for a chastity device or for any other use one would like to make of me and of my cock.
But things went wrong. I went from a little almost not noticeable phimosis to a major one because of the total incompetence of the surgeon. So I went through excruciating pains – one kind I found out difficult to like – and days of horrible thoughts and fears of losing the possibility of being whole. The scar eventually healed but it’s still there, preventing me to do anything with the cock, namely only pissing – obviously only sitting – while masturbating is a kind of a problem. A new surgery will be needed to fix the problem and this time they will remove all the foreskin, meaning I will have a completely circumcised cock, exposed all the time.
I found myself with a permanent and unmovable chastity device basically, since November. I counted the day I didn’t cum and they were 50. I say “were” because yesterday I had a spontaneous ejaculation while dreaming of horny stuff but I still have to manage to be able to have a self inducted orgasm.
This is the situation. Weird things are happening though. Yesterday, while I was showering, suddenly only touching my nipple was a kind of heaven… I was in a strange, enticed erotic state, where touching my body was per see a source of pleasure. A few day before I found myself dripping precum like a bitch in heat, only because a man watched me in a certain way and somehow my whole body reacted and I couldn’t control myself anymore.
The whole of my actual situation is not nice I must admit… the scar is not that nice and the prospect of having another ordeal like that is really really bad… but still I found again myself in that state of mind I like, that thought process in which I want to be only pleasure for a man, only an instrument of pure and sublime ecstasy.
It happened through pain once, it’s happening again through chastity now – even if it’s a different kind of sensation, it leads to similar states of mind.
Through an operation that went wrong I could see more of my soul, I could uncover another piece of my submissive side, that side that want to be controlled on everything, anything, that side childish and wild that needs to be told what to do all the time.
And you know what?
It’s beautiful. It’s fucking difficult and frustrating but I like it so much because it feels so damn right.
Through chastity I am what I am supposed to be, wild and crazy and in heat but still subdued.
I still have to come to a realisation of these desiders though, because again here in Italy is difficult to find people interested in a more deep and profound aspect of a sub/Dom – slave/Master relationship. Almost everyone here wants a quick fuck and this doesn’t click with my inner levers because I need trust and a strong connection to let myself go.
I’m working on it. To celebrate this 50 days of not cumming I updated to my tumblr a hopefully cute post of me in underwear.
To remind myself what a little horny bitch I am.
To remind myself my place.
On the floor.
So from me don’t expect anything more than this
for I am looking only for one thing
to reach that state