Oh well, it the same hold hen

31 10 2009

Kinda too tired so I’ll be very short: abroad for work for 3 weeks and that’s all. Plain simple.
Of course nothing that concern me is simple and of course I could spend some time explaining a few boring thoughts I had.
But tonight even I’m too boring even for myself.
And, come on, it’s Halloween.
Go out and have fun.
You probably deserve it!


21 10 2009

As I walk the funny forest of my desires, I always and hopelessly end up dreaming significant things.
The more I try to march into that jungle, the more I find difficult to stop and taste that delicate flowers that are indeed messages from my inner self.
How and why I dreamt, tonight, of a muscle bear which I was in love with for he treated me like a slut and again how and why that dream became a sort of romantic story with another stocky guy with a very firm hand and always touching his cock through his denim, always asking intimate question, always having a firm control on whatever I was doing or even thinking?
And why thinking of that I am, now, hard?

It’s all about control then? The feeling of being taken care of, instructed, punished even but always for a higher end? Why am I aroused by a less than cute chubby man with a hand on his cock and belt?
The answers to this questions are indeed far from being reached. Nonetheless I find myself doing more and more of this dreams. And this, somehow, must be a kind of a meaning.

Where does my secret lies then?
Where I will find a rest, finally?

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To analyse is pretty anal.

11 10 2009

The statement is made, the dices are throw. I analyse too much and in that something must be wrong.
We are indeed defined by the words we choose, the words I choose to define myself are going deeper somehow.
First of all I’m a geek. Maybe even worst, a nerd. I like to read and computer and I could make a good living of IT programming but I decided to study arts. First mistake of my life.
Secondly I’m a slave. Call me a slut, a sub, a bitch, whatever you want and I’ll be happy. Especially if you have a nice belt too. I could go on an have vanilla sex like anyone else but one day I saw by mistake a BDSM porn and I was doomed. Second mistake of my life.

Here I am now, after a night out with a few friends of mine. Stunned by the hot guys out there, the best one half naked dancing on the floor, I still ask myself why I am so stupidly shy and I don’t simply jump on them like anyone else does.
Again I think of my life and the fact I never had a real boyfriend is sort of a problem. So I ask myself why and there it goes the third error.
Analysingis anal indeed. Is a retentive option, is an holding back something. You digest your problem, you break them in small pieces.
Yet your ass still need some action for people understand, when they see you, that you’re quite weird.
Oh how funny is the power of chastity (not self or other imposed… just coincidental)

What’s me in me

5 10 2009

I know I make mistakes. We all do, isn’t it? We are human after all. But what I know now is what I need, which can be sometimes different from what I want and it can lead me to make some mistakes.
What I am looking for is a degree of trust, so to speak. A degree of trust, as I spoke in the previous post, that can put me in a position to trust a person with my life, somehow. From that point, as I see it, everything is possible.
The problem is how to get to that point, for no one seemed able to make me feel his presence, his wisdom, his understanding completly.
For is as simple as this, I want to feel I am understood, completly. That nothing is hidden, that everything is clear.
In this process, I admit, I scavenge my own emotions to an excess. There is something that doesn’t leave me rest, inside of me, something always looking for questions and explanations and always fearing the worst.
Once I realized this, you might think, it’s easy to overcome it, isn’t it? Nothing so far from the truth, for once you find that part of you, you have to deal with it and keep it sedated somehow, but it will never truly rest, it will exert always a kind of influence on you.
So, for me, the answer was simple: since I can’t tame it, let’s run it wild and let’s see where it goes. And here I am, writing on a blog about me and my desired and my kinks. In doing this though I didn’t foresee what could happens with my emotions, for leaving everything to itself arose a lot of unforeseen feelings that I had my hard time to calm down.
But it’s not ending here. Since I don’t have any more the compass of my own feelings, I thought that being honest and sharing them would be the only thing to do… like saying to someone “Ehi, I’m here, I’m difficult, this is what I feel, can you help?” And again this was a mistake.
Of course there is someone who can help, but their help will have to have the same degree of trust required above and so, basically, the serpent bites his tail.

Here we are, alone again eventually, thinking exactly why I did this and that and what went wrong, why I didn’t feel any more protected or cared.
Although my mind, being of a masochistic kind, will push me to think that everything is simply my fault, ipso facto showing me how deeply I am punishing myself making this body and this mind unreachable from any one, I must say that my heart says something different.
Not fully understood, to be honest, but different. It says that I have to keep going, that this is my yellow brick road.
I just need a couple of stuffed companion for OZ is not very far.
If I only had a brain!

On little things like trust

3 10 2009

This week have been pretty interesting. Through training and experiences and also confrontation with other people, I came to realize my place.
The formation of a slave mind, I guess, must be at least difficult.
What I can say happened in my life I didn’t assume it was a very typical submissive dynamic, as it looks like it is.
With this I am not saying that all the subs and all the slave are similar, far from me to think like that… we do share something though, not only the need of obey.
I am very interested in what happens in our mind at a certain point. Like me, right now, that I realized I am what I am – a slave craving for his Master – and looks like other things are loosing their importance somehow. It hasn’t be a sort of epiphany to be honest, it was just very gradual… and the wind of change was an emotional one, when I was angry and sad for someone too distant, feeling his absence like a real pain.
I never had this feeling before and that made me think something was different, something was changed. My crave for worship, my desire for control, were just exposed and took contro. I had to sort out myself to avoid to feel even more pain. It was interesting though, very interesting indeed.
But what made me change my mind and look for this life is of a simple spiritual matter.
So I guess we should define what’s spiritual and what’s not… and here it’s the problem, how to connect BDSM to a spiritual path.
It’s not a problem for me, I can see the connections, it’s a problem to explain maybe. But I’ll try.
A spiritual path is, simply, a very personal experience of something more than the mere physical word. I am not intrinsically saying that there is another world or another plane of existence, for I don’t know that for sure, what I am mainly saying is that this are personal experience of a different type of ones we everyday have. I don’t necessarily believe in God or a certain amount of Gods, I just merely state that our brain can be set to a different pattern somehow and that lead us to see the world in a different way, to even experience it under a completely absurd point of view. Something very similar to what a recreational drug can produce.
I guess we all agree on the fact is a purely biochemical reactions… being endorphins or adrenalines or a cocktail of hormones, it’s a biochemical reaction started by our brain/cortex/whatever since every emotion/reaction/whatever is basically a cocktail of hormones.
That being said, what I felt one day, under a heavy session of flogging, was a sort of ecstasy. I sensed there was something more behind that door.
Ok, we all agree that it’s nice to cum like mad, we all agree that whips are nice, nipple play is wonderful and so on…
But what if that is nothing compared to what can happen when in that state? When the pleasure takes all your body?
They call it subspace and that’s indeed a deep spiritual experience. You’ve never experienced it? Neither I completly, I just sensed it was there but something stopped me before going. I wasn’t ready to let myself go, I wasn’t in the right hands to understand what was happening.
So is that what’s behind the corner? The feeling of ownership growing to be even a feeling of complete possession? The pleasure of pain to the ecstasy of it? I’ll see. I’ll let you know.

In the meanwhile what I have is just music.