and the animal I feel inside me

21 03 2011

It seems quite obvious I am not exactly happy these days. I have tried to understand the reason for quite a lot of time and I must say I didn’t reach any solution.
I found out though a few points that maybe I must investigate a little bit further and I will put under scrutiny of my small public hoping they might form a more complete impression of my personal world.

As a slave, one thinks, “to obey” should be the rule. To obey and to please is what every Master demands and is such a simple rule that we shouldn’t really spend any further second thinking about it. But is not the rule I am interested, it’s the reason behind it that thrives me.
I am not here to make a wild assumption for every slave out there, for ever sub willing to serve, what I am here for is just to try to see why and how this rule apply to me and how I feel in relation to this rule.
The matter, to be honest, is not that easy. Obeying or serving or pleasing are somehow enjoyable  activities for me, I like very much the idea of being a pleasure toy, an instrument of someone else’s pleasure. But why is so? This is the question of the week and I came with two different impressions about it, both of them troublesome somehow.
The first impression is because  it makes me useful: in being pleasure I find my own place since it gives me a purpose, a goal.
The second impression is because it focuses me on someone else. Since every day I am focused on my own sadness, having an external point of interest makes me less prone to that feeling.
What is good? What is bad? Who am I to know? At the  moment I am quite lost in the forest of my feelings, with no chart or map hence is quite difficult to see the route.
Is this feeling common to un-owned boys? Or is the thought of being something common among subs even more pathetic? Like somehow my doubts and my pains are to make me someone of a group, a group with a specific reason to be, a group with a precise identity.
I don’t see this two thought interfering with my certainty of being a sub though, it is clear to me that something buried deep inside of me wants to come out and be tamed and owned.
That something though at the moment is facing the strong wind of my intellect, raising in my head questions of authenticity of my own feelings.
It’s clear, again, I am sadly not at all a no-brainer. Do I say so out of pride? It is an interesting question this as I was been told sometimes that maybe I lack pride or maybe that I have too much of it… probably this declarations were more reflections of the type of slave the Masters I was speaking with have in their mind, but it’s interesting anyway.
Should a slave show pride? Should he not?
Othello might have the answer, a pity he lost his temper down there in Denmark.

There is a certain degree of mysticism in me I suppose and that creates a very deep and romantic attitude. I was contemplating the songs of my favorite italian singer and I could see that they were all speaking (at least my favs) of a sort of complete and cosmic love, very much universal as not so god-driven in a pure christian  sense… pure simple love for and from the nature, encompassing time and space.
The nature of my mysticism, that I try to dilute giving it a romantic and then decadent expression, is at this very moment another mystery for me.
Surely my quest in finding a route to sub-space, a route that somehow I see difficult but certainly deeply important, is definitely of this  sort. Trying to find the path to ecstasy through pain and pleasure, as much silly as it can sound, is deeply rooted in a mystic view of the universe, like loosing oneself in the depth of the un-consciousness (not to confuse with sub-conscious in a more freudian way) and maybe this romantic feeling is a form of love that knows no boundaries… ones that I thought a s/M relationship could give somehow.

And then there is quite a few physical manifestations of my cravings. A couple of them comes to my mind in no strict order of importance: punishments and denial.
If still I didn’t really understand my quite silly thrive for punishments of various sort, I certainly put down something nice about denial.
As I am speaking I don’t think of denial as a total form of chastity (please forgive me out there if I’m using a specific term to accommodate my own thoughts) but I am more thinking of it as the edging games everyone should try once in a lifetime. Did you really try it? Did you really really give it a solid try?
After some basic edging session that I give to myself just for the sake of fun, I must admit that I came out with this thought: Who on hell wants to orgasm now?
The pleasure is not in the orgasm per see, but in the waiting for hit… there is so much more building up of feelings and wonderful sensations than in the discharge of it.
To be honest the discharge, even if I am not a fool and I admit is great, seems last so little and is following by a usual regret, while the building up can last for ever and every single moment becomes more and more intense and pleasurable. Why would I consciously decide to cum when the moment right after is so wonderful and deep and it makes me feel so wonderfully horny?
Am I the only one feeling like this?

I hope I am not.
The animal I’m hatching  inside is still immature, still far, still so little powerful. What can I do to unleash it? Who can help me doing that? Or maybe shall I do it alone?
Questions, questions, the bane of my life.
Probably also what keeps me going on. What keeps me somehow alive.

Then in the end my own sadness becomes like an armor, an icy cover that belongs to me as much as everything else inside my soul.
After some time that icing became part of me, a strong pillar for my own personality.
And maybe the quest for happiness is not possible anymore for it will bring me destruction, it would bring me a new me to take care of.
We’ll see.
I’m still looking for help. As always.

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