uh oh

29 09 2009

work work work. a slave schedule can be so tight and unmerciful? ah!
so for today no real thoughts or updated.
just really to fill in my daily blog duty.
I guess there’s no way one can be perfect every day, isn’t it?
or perfect anyway.


one simple word

28 09 2009

today I read this:

Talking, expressing viewpoints, and asking questions are what the sub does

(taken from here)

and it made me think. Me being a sub is something that I’m still processing. I know I know, we are not all exceptional, we are all somehow similar, we are human, we have the same mind processes somehow, we share a lot of culture. We are all different, yes, but at the same time we are all similar.
Yet, to be honest, I fail to think the “being a sub” thing as a whole world of people sharing something similar, even similar mental processes.
I have to say that being reminded of that is somehow very salutary for me and that phrase catched an issue I’m having in these days and now I guess it might be a sub thing.
These days I’m just thinking too much, putting too many things under the microscope, dissecting too many thoughts and emotions. But then maybe is simple part of my role? is simple part of being a sub that leads me to express myself, to ask questions to talk?
Is that so simple?
I find fascinating how much I like when someone just put an end to my thought with a belt or a word or a simple slap… putting me into place. But then what if that talking, that expressing, is part of being a sub? what if it’s simple a measure of defence, a last beacon of hope?
Intriguing. Again we take a turn and we go back to magic, where words are simply as this: power.
And stripping a sub of words, it’s maybe just that, stripping him of power.

24 09 2009

I know my place, I know what I am. So why it must be so difficult sometimes?
I guess the reason is quite simple: I still have to find someone able to tame me completly, someone able to make me feel the way is should feel always, not only during a session or a meeting of any sort.
The search so is not completely over. It’s somehow half completed but still a work in progress.
I want my Master’s hand on my body now. To find any secret I hide in my soul, through my skin.

24 09 2009

I feel abandoned. And I’m not even sure I’m spelling it right.
Lacking everything as I am today, I go to sleep with a sense of wonder. What will I find on the other side of the lethe?

22 09 2009

A life of loneliness leaves scars, somehow. I’m trying to learn to live with a few of them, others are simply too deep to even stare at.
What makes me feel this craving for total understanding then? What makes me feel so deep the need of strong guidance? What makes me desire to be so open?
Maybe is what I never experienced, what I never saw. For my soul was never touched deeply enough, for my hunger was never satisfied.
I want more, always. What I have is not enough for what I have is not in any way something I cannot understand.
What I look for is that one able to understand me even beyond my own idea of myself, someone to make the right choice for me. As silly it can be, the price I pay is just for this: to be understood totally.
And every rope, every whipping, every belting is just a matter of forcing myself into this… being able to be so open I don’t have to speak anymore. Being just me.
How jolly is that?

21 09 2009

The power of dreams is strong. The power of hope even stronger. I didn’t get what I dreamt, I didn’t get what I hoped. I’m at a crossroad again and I must choose.

It’s nice to still have the luxury of choosing, the illusion of a certain amount of freedom. It’s a bitter taste maybe.
But it’s something.
For I am preparing for the times to come.
And that will be the challenge.

The internet is porn

20 09 2009

There is something to investigate about porn. Something magical somehow. From this side of the screen it looks sometimes good, sometimes blatantly fake. Yet there are some people that makes a porn video different, more real, even wonderful.
Maybe they’re just good actors, especially in this Viagra/Cialis times I’m sure is that way, but maybe some of them just believe in what they’re doing. You can usually quickly find out the best ones for they make a lot of films but you realize they’re good just in a few of them… in the vast majority of their career they are bored, like anyone else, of shooting continuously the same clichè, but there there a few selected pearl where they look like they enjoy what they do, that they make a connection with the partner/s in crime on the set… and that are the ones that make porn interesting.

So far I am too picky to be happy with a random porn. It must contain some Élan vital,  that something special in their eyes that makes me belive they’re enjoying their partner/s.
Believe, that’s the term, that’s the magic. Once you believe in something, you can reach it. Once you believe in someone, you can really touch him.
For believe is having confidence in the truth.
And there’s nothing else beautiful like that.
For is something beyond, for is a step inside a sweet madness.