the courtesy of being truthful to oneself

27 05 2014

Where is my place, if not at Master’s feet?
Where is my pleasure if not in his hands, in the pain that He will gift me.
Where is the path I must travel to be born again, to fullfill my destiny, to find the place that is truly mine?

I have been silent for so much time, for so many weeks and months. for all this time I was lost and alone and with no purpose. I knew what I was missing, every single minute of those days I knew that the time that was passing by would only mean one thing: to get lost even more in the forest of myself.
It is a calm forest the one that surrounds you when you’re lost. The smell is pleasant and the air is fresh, and one have the sensation of light and sun on the skin… a sensation of being maybe not in the right place but that at least the season is right. Such was the illusion of myself, a brothel of beautiful trees, none of them something I would have planted but they seemed there for a reason. They ought to be… for the forest is vast and silent and beaituful and everything is at its place.

But every single branch is a lie. Something inside of you is not right and you know it and time goes by and you kinda understand that the sun is good but not excellent, that the tree are nice but not suitable for this climate, that the path you are walking is not signed on a map.
And as you reach for your compass
You awake.

I am that lost soul in a forest. I am now awake.

The process that awakes you it’s difficult and painful somehow. You must make choices and you’re not made to make choices yet you must choose a course of action to take you out of the cavern. Because now you can see the limit of your life, the limits you imposed on yourself with the stern capability of a masochist, pushing yourself far far away from your own duties, your own pleasure.
Is there something worst than negleting yourself everything? is that something more painful that leaving yourself alone at the mercy of your Super Ego, enslaved by your own Internal Judge?
Suddenly you see the things for what they are: your masochims playing with you for the last time, the last time of a long list – I must admit that to myself.

Why on hell did I come here?
Why did I put myself again in this situation where I am blocked, stucked by beauty and simplicity and a good level of borgeouis life?
What am I scared of?

This last question is the one. While asking myself this question someone contact me on Recon and asks me what am I doing so late in the night.
I state I am trying to understand the reasons of my masochism.

Because I have beaten myself another time, without realizing.
As usual.
I’ve failed myself so many time.

So
This is me tring to get on my feet again.
Slowly.

Please help me.

Without you I can be something I am not intented to be.
With you I am nothing. As it should be.

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