it’s simple, you’re mine and you need me.

29 04 2010

Here I am, on my knees with my orange underwear on. something I am somehow learning to love. Here I am again speaking about what’s happening even if I don’t have any clue about it and more than everything I don’t know where it will lead me.

So, they say, the life of a slave is a life of pain, isn’t it? We already saw how magic and deep the pain can be, we already settled that the ordeal path is not that far from.
What I missed to understand it there are kinds of pain I could never imagine. And one of them is making me sitting here right now writing this short post… the focal point is need. I know I need my Master, I feel it now, deeply. So deeply that it’s a pain, a real pain. When the feeling goes right to the mind a bell sounds and consciousness regain his kingdom and the pain is doubled: the intense pain of that need and the even intense pain of the somehow weirdness of that feeling that comes straight from the conscious mind.
it’s a clash of titans, the need, the willingness to serve and to please, the pleasure of being dominated against the set of rules that we all have stuck inside our head.
it’s indeed a magnificent battle to see. a little less to feel under your own skin. the Ego is powerful and gigantic, while the dark hopes that fight against it are small in comparison but many.

I feel hung. Like the proverbial hunged man I am blind and throw on the verge of something I cannot see or comprend or to a certain extent enjoy. There is something inside me that screams for help and you can hear his voice only when I am not there, only when I am somewhere else. And that something feels and screams in ways I am not used to and I don’t know it’s name.
But it’s there and the pains of that needs it feels all  together quite quite bittersweet, still are pains nonetheless.

I can’t believe, simple as it is. Can’t believe. And again is hard to admit to myself, almost near to impossible to understand. Yes I shall go on for the path is just begun. I can’t say if it’s right or wrong, I’ll find out at the end I guess.

Rescue me, the storm is coming.


Forward from the pit

26 04 2010
On the train, waiting to go home. The perfect time to think. I thought about what words to use all the day because I don’t feel I want to share what’s happening to me here. Since looks like I must, for reason which are not entieryly mine and that I highly disapprove, I must say that all what comes to my mind is that I lost the stimulus to do anything.

Speaking of my weird and silly mental processes, I have the impression they hang on pretty and delicate threads and the whole construction is almost a facade. It need next to nothing to broke them and trash me down into a dark hole.

Sometimes is a music, sometimes is a powerful event, sometimes it’s what I start to think. it ends of course in days, or weeks, of sleep deprivation (or more than that sleep that is not recharging at all) and a general loss of appetite… pretty a usual reaction for me.
On top of that there is the loss of faith. Not in a “power that be” but in the possibility of my own future, in the hope that I might find my place. Once that is shredded to pieces like it is now, nothing has meaning and what I feel is just a never ending sadness.

Is pretty simple then if one looks to it with the right mindset. A loss of confidence, a loss of motivation, a loss of hope and the trick is done, my minds goes back to the deep hole that sucked years of my life in the past and that is never really healed. Call it how you like it, I prefer not to give it a name to avoid giving it power. But over the years the pain it generates it’s so strong that I am no more able to cope with ordinary life. I can’t pretend everything is alright and I can’t lie.

So that’s the situation now. With no meaning and no purpose and certainly no trust or hope, I can’t function, I can’t live. I’m broken.
And the worst part is that I don’t want to be fixed. I don’t. It means I will have to rely on someone who pretends to know me but I don’t believe it hence is useless.

All that I need is a shrink, maybe. And lot of pills. The goals is to not fell anything anymore. And join the zombie parade. In that way I will win. There won’t be anyone any-more interested in me and life will go on as has always be… shallow maybe but at least not so painful that I can’t breath.

Is this my path, really? or it’s just madness?

What’s left

25 04 2010

What’s left to do when it hurts too much and not even music helps?

Kiss me goodbye
Pushing out before I sleep
Can’t you see I try
Swimming the same deep water as you is hard
“The shallow drowned lose less than we”
You breathe
The strangest twist upon your lips
“And we shall be together… “

“Kiss me goodbye
Bow your head and join with me”
And face pushed deep
Reflections meet
The strangest twist upon your lips
And disappear
The ripples clear
And laughing
Break against your feet
And laughing
Break the mirror sweet
“So we shall be together… “

“Kiss me goodbye”
Pushing out before I sleep
It’s lower now and slower now
The strangest twist upon your lips
But I don’t see
And I don’t feel
But tightly hold up silently
My hands before my fading eyes
And in my eyes
Your smile
The very last thing before I go…

Iwill kiss you I will kiss you
I will kiss you forever on nights like this
I will kiss you I will kiss you
And we shall be together…

Take away everything and you will be left
with nothing

Lost in bubble

22 04 2010

And decay indeed is in place. I feel I am losing myself. But not in a way I could like it, I feel I am losing the self that animated this pages with his hopes for just a little bit of ownership.
I fail to understand what started this feeling, it’s not merely the absence. It’s something more, it’s deeper and makes ,me feel like shit.
Why I have to feel things with such a strength? Why can’t I immunise myself against everything? Why I am not contained by my shiny armour and yet when I escapes it always find a way to have me back inside her?
This is ridiculous. The whole thing is ridiculous. I feel just nothing, only boredom and I’m upset by the lack of details this situationI put myself into has. There is something missing, a constant thorn at my side.
What is it? Do you know?

So to speak

21 04 2010

If change is coming, change must be understood. If the understanding for any reason is lacking, we might seek help and ask someone else to speak for us. That someone, in today’s case, is the I Ching, the book of change. I always like I Ching, always, since the first time I discovered it in a little book from a not so famous sci-fi author (whoever find out the author, will have my never-ending sympathy).

So asking about change to the Book of change, sounded somehow right. The question, of course, will not revealed for obvious reasons but the answer was, I must say, rather impressive.

Standing there, after the ritual toss of the coins, was the diagram number 18: KU the Decay.

Wind is trapped under the mountain and so the decay is in act.

	Has supreme success.
	It furthers one to cross the great water.
	Before the starting point, three days.
	After the starting point, three days.

So they say, speaking of something that is maybe old and rotten and need to be cut. Might be old habits, old thought, might be the boredom of life, might be anything. But whatever it is, is decaying because it lacks the foundations because it’s simply coming from an abuse of freedom. I suggest caution though because one need to do what he’s doing to be able to “cross the water” to change, to go on. Before and after caution is needed. New energy must be brought in to end the state of stasis which leads to decay and remove stagnation, because and end is needed to start a new beginning.

Going further on, the changing lines are even more funnier.

Six in the fifth place means:
	Setting right what has been spoiled by the father.
	One meets with praise.

So the decay is indeed is something old, coming from a previous situation (aka the father) and only with sincere help and praise, one can meet the necessary success.

Nine at the top means:
	He does not serve kings and princes,
	Sets himself higher goals.

And this last changing line is the cherry on the pie. It speaks of a man who doesn’t abide to social rules – “does not serve kings”- but find his way in withdrawal from the mass for a deeper connection with oneself is needed.

The conclusion of this pretty obvious situation is diagram 48: the Well

The Well, the eternal nourishment, the water coming off the wood to satisfy all our thirsty thoughts. Because cities and wall goes down and are created but the Well remains for it is life and life is never ending. To approach it though one must be cautious, one must go to the foundation of oneself and come back without rushing, at his own peace. Because the foundation of every human being is the same and we need to reach them to understand and evolve from there again but we can get stuck in our own education, leading to a stasis and the simplicity of following conventions, or we might just collapse and neglect ourself and the path we did so far. We must follow the wise order and begin to build this foundation again, piece by piece, step by step.

As usual I Ching spoke and I am impressed. The answer is quite far from the question but it fits the situation perfectly.
As usual I understand why Jung loved it soo much, devoting himself in spreading this ancient book all over Europe.

If this is not epiphany I don’t know what else could be.

	Has supreme success.
	It furthers one to cross the great water.
	Before the starting point, three days
	After the starting point, three days.

May you live in thoughtful times

20 04 2010

I would like to start this entry saying that it’s a task that my onwer gave me since he’s away.
I am missing him and the usual evening talk we’re having this weeks but it’s ok. I like tasks too. Today i’m going to speak about what I feel right now and what I see. I should not try to understand the reason but speaking about how I feel will inevitably end up with explaining something about that reason and the understanding I have of it so i have to do it.
Today I felt a bit lost and anxious and I was trying to understand why. It might be work, which is particularly challenging these days, it might be the new situation in which I am in, I don’t know. But i needed to understand what’s happening to me and that’s what I would like to explore today: my never-ending quest of the reasons of everything. I have a feeling of what started all this. I was feeling a bit sad and depressed because after University I saw that my life wasn’t going to be great, at least not in the way I dreamt of it. Hence to keep this bad feeling away my mind started to take the habit of over-analysing it’s own processes. It’s a bit tiring sometimes but it’s efficient… spending time thinking how and why you’re feeling this or that, gives you less time to actually feel that feeling. so you’re your own placebo.
after a bit though everything started to slow down again and sadness overwhelmed the thinking process, stopping one by one all my dreams and my little addictions (to music, to drawing to rpg etc).
The whole process was very slow and it took me actually years to understand what was going on. I was becoming depressed and every single bit of responsibility coming from things like home or work or office management was giving me more reason for pushing me even more down the dark hole. Speaking with an expert, a lovely life couch lady, we had the impression I needed a change and I got it: a new country, a new city, a new job. And for a while everything was fine again. But that was not very cunning… it was curing the symptoms without actually finding a cure for the sickness.
So I found myself in the funny situation of doing the same thing I was hating before, even in a more complicated situation for I had no friends and no family and the language was not my own.
Again every single bit of responsibility I was running away from my previous life, fell on my shoulders with even more weight systematically taking away all the fun and the amusement.
Then I had a couple of situation that made me understand what I could be missing just leaving myself living.
Then I suddenly understood that I was spending so much energy – hence so much stress – keeping everything controlled and understood again for the simple reason that I am a control freak and I can’t stand the uncontrolled but, here’s the funny part, I am not able to cope with the responsibility that comes with control. From a slave point of view is funny: you want control – which you romantically see as your freedom-, nobody gives you that, you give it to yourself and then you go crazy because you can’t stand it. Amazing.
An in all this you still fight yourself, basically, because you’re stuck in doing the same things you’re doing since years and you’re mind is so adept in over-thinking and analysing that you can’t avoid it, that you can’t let yourself go. Even observing without judging or analysing is next to impossible because what’s keeping you together it’s just the fact you’re analysing everything, you’re putting everything in place giving it less and less power over you hence controlling it somehow.

So there is, indeed, a small red thread that goes around me and keeps growing and growing and layering on me like a cocoon.
I wonder what will happen when the the trigger will be pulled and the cocoon will fall.
I wonder. I wonder indeed.

the power of the Ego

18 04 2010

As simple as it can be, as difficult it can sound, it’s still something I will always try to do… I’ll will always want to explore myself to understand more and more and more. I have no clue where all this will bring me and along the journey sometimes I am scared.
But it’s still fascinating how powerful is our shining armor, the Ego we wear every day to go to work and force ourself to smile. It’s strong, it’s powerful and is difficult to sedate. I can’t do it without help for the Ego I built up alone in all this years is a knight on a white horse and has no marks on his armor, has no shadows in his eyes. He’s fighting everything and anything knowing he’s going to lose anyway but that doesn’t matter. The fight is not his purpose, his purpose is in the armor, his duty is in the mortification of passion and flesh to keep is mantle white and his heart empty.

I am not sure there is something like a “slave” mind somewhere in me. The simple idea of it screams of Ego though. Instead of saying that I am what I am, to accept myself for what I might be or become, I try to hide behind definitions and roles and names.
That’s why I find difficult to find my place, that’s why it was virtually impossible for me to explore my dark side. I can’t let myself go, I simply I can’t.
While in bondage sometimes I can see through my blindfold, a little bit. I can see my whole body, the legs kept apart, the nipples and the pegs.
In pain there is some kind of freedom and his not too far to reach but it eludes me the more I am into the uknown the more I can’t simply stop myself in closing all my soul, locking it deeply inside of me.
Hence yes, I am not free but I seek control and domination for a freedom purpose: why? It’s a simple paradox honestly, in my confinement I find my freedom, I find myself able to be ultimately myself.
Is that so simple? It’s just a game or ropes and pegs and occasional spankings?
No, it’s not. If it were so simple I would have dozens of different lovers and I would have find in them that so called freedom.
No, it’s not that simple. The key to my soul is my mind, it’s my feelings. You can’t open my door without the right key and that key I still have to understand what is like. I suppose is trust, I suppose is care, I suppose is a kind of twisted love… in any way is something strong and doesn’t know bounds somehow even if the bounds are indeed written on my flesh.

So there is a path, somehow. But I am lost, I am speechless and I have no knowledge. I am a child in front of something I constructed in the years and it’s going to take time to destroy. To build something new again. To be free finally.

This is the Tower. And a lighting will soon strike it making it fall. No matter what I’ll do to protect it, it will fall in the end.
And a new cycle will begin for the door is struck down, finally.

And I still have the music. Somehow.