layer after layer

7 04 2013

So here we are, again. I cannot stay away from this place as much as I can’t stay away from my place, that place on the floor, at Master’s feet, that place I long and search but I cannot find anywhere.

I am still here because I want to understand what leads me to those dark places of pleasure and pain, here to understand what is inside me that makes my cock drip so much when I obey, when I ask permission, when I am treated the way I should be treated. I don’t always understand what ticks in me, but like a Swiss clock here I am, with a hard-on, imagining myself begging someone to be ruthless and strict and to put me in my place with his firm hands and a belt maybe. Yes a belt, to bruise my white skin, to hurt me when I am a bad boi and to hurt me when it’s needed.

I remember suddenly the joy of giving up, the harsh and surprising pain of a belt on my hard cock, wanting always more and harder until I reach that please where my head is light and I am only pleasure for the Master, for anyone. What I hide is what I am, constructed of layers and layers, hiding myself under so many masks and depriving myself of my ultimate aim because I don’t trust anyone, never ever.

I am locked away, chased by desires and fantasies which I deny myself in a mock substitute of an owner I still have to find. I don’t trust anyone because I don’t trust myself first, because I know where I can go and those dark places scare me out… a lot.

Yet, the very few times I decide to allow myself an orgasm, it’s always with the company of something hard and humiliating, a slave punished for its Master’s pleasure, a boi flogged and muffled, a mouth that kisses beautiful feet… and it’s always in this position I find myself jerking off, on my knees like a dog, with my legs spread apart, offering my body to absent whips.

And all I would like to say is: Please take me and hurt me and make of me your boi, your slave, your pleasure.

But then reality kicks in and I run from my desires. The journey is not over still. I am scared and lonely and hopeless. But I am here to confront my fear and to become the beautiful animal I want to be.

How and when and for whom is not up to me to decide. Will you help me in this path to my ultimate freedom?

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