Holiday with no rest

30 08 2011

It’s holiday time. The sun is shining the men are hot and tanned but I am sad.
The first thing to make me sad is probably the fact that I am still heavily pointed at and insulted on the streets. I never really got the impression I belonged here, to my country – Italy -, but every time I come back and I experience the bigotry of  my people, I am really knocked down and I feel sad. I can’t go out during the evening, to just walk with my sh0rts on the street filled with people and shops, that someone will point at me, will call the friends and tell them to watch at me… most of the time it’s quite young people, barely 18 yo, from the south by the accent.
It hurts still, it makes me think even more I don’t belong to anywhere, that my place would simply be a hidden and remote hermitage. I considered, when I was young, to join the rank of the hermits that secluded themselves in pace and harmony. It’s a pity I don’t really believe in god anymore.

Then I am sad because I am thinking. I am thnkinking about all the promises that have been made and never kept, thinking about all the trust I gave and now I can’t give anymore after all that happened.
Sometimes I want just very simple things, like resting my head on broad shoulders or arms strong enough to hold me.
I want to belong to someone somehow but here I am, alone again, dreaming of something that will not happen.

I might need change but I don’t know where to start from. Everything seems so difficult and heavy.
All I have is Borges today with me in this holidays. In his worlds I loose myself and maybe one day someone will find me.

I hope it won’t be too late.
Or maybe that time is already passed and all I have it just waiting for my flowers to wither.
Someohow it feels so. It feels so terribly so.

 

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There was a time

17 08 2011

These weeks have been particularly interesting. Nothing really new on the matter of finding a Master but a lot has been said and wrote and thought and all of that will eventually finish here in a way or the other… but still doubts are hunting me and it’s the nature of that doubts that I would like to explore.
I am beginning to lose hope. I already said something like that in the past but now is more of a certainty than anything. I am looking at my behaviour in the last months and all I can see is a specific kind of closure, a cage of the soul I am beginning to build on myself in order to avoid further complications. I refused a lot of meetings, mostly based on the solid fact that nothing was discussed with the Master and therefore I didn’t feel safe. Although I could go with the logical part of the reasoning – not putting myself in danger is paramount especially given my absolute stupidity and naïvety (not sure about the spelling here – please forgive any mistake!) – still though certain meetings could have taken place without too much of a hassle but I choose not to. Why? There is no doubt about the deepness of my eagerness to serve and please, and to that I am starting to add also the strong desire of being punished or humiliated. There is no doubt about the erotic connotations these activity have on my fantasies as there is no doubt about the fact I am born to serve. Still though, a strong part of myself is fighting against this impulse and at the moment it’s winning.
To be honest what I am looking for is a kind of relationship any society in the world would find somehow wrong. Therefore is very much easy to simple dismiss these urges or give them the benefit of doubt while trying to satisfy them. And after that is really simple to justify the high degree of expectations I have, putting them under the category “too good to be true”.
What in the past were just mere speculations now raised to the status of certainty: BDSM is a difficult place filled with unsafety and recklessness and people who simply want a quick and kinky fuck. I am too far from these conditions to find myself at ease with requests of serving coming from total strangers. What make me say “yes Sir” is a mental state that can be triggered only by a certain amount of affinity with the person I am going to serve. I’m not a ready-made slave and at this moment I am even very far from a slave mind as I’ve ever been. I lost the hope that finding a suitable Master would be possible. I have a feeling it will be strictly speaking impossible both because of my high expectations and the recklessness of these self called Masters. A good simple example is the fact I’ve been “summoned” by a few people during the UK riots. Before they settled down, it was quite difficult or next to impossible to travel but I’ve been asked to come that night to this place or that other night to that other place. To me this sounds like putting someone under unnecessary risk. One can wait a day or two to have his balls emptied I think.
This kind of behaviour doesn’t only make me sad but also angry. It feeds my self-induced paranoia.
And then in the meanwhile time is passing by, I am getting older and older and possibly nothing scares me more than waking up one day, finding maybe a wrinkle or two and finding out I didn’t achieve anything, that I just waited and waited for nothing. That day is not too far.
There was a time I could wait. Now I can’t wait any-more. I have to do what I hate the most. I have to decide and stick up with my decision.
Will I be able to? Will I be happy in the future if I give up? Is there a way to win the fight with the shadow or it will always hunt me down on day or another to show me that I did everything wrong another damn time?