19 09 2011

I found myself in a strange place today, a blind spot in my emotions: rage.
I very very seldom get angry but somehow being here in this city and dealing with whom I’m dealing at work made me change, it made me become somehow more disillusioned, somehow more worried.
I understood a year ago I wouldn’t be able to cope with these kinds of jobs, mainly because the weight of responsibility is something I am not equipped to carry at the moment, for reasons yet to discover – even if I think those reasons are deeply related to the fact I hate to decide, to take decisions.Being responsible for a decision I made is something I can’t stand because I can’t be wrong? That would be the easy answer. It gets a bit more complicated than that though. Decisions are somehow deviations from a course of actions… you decide to go that way and then you have to stick up with what you choose, and that’s what I can’t do by myself. It’s not necessarily simply being immature, it’s simply being tactically unable to understand the better options or unwilling to believe in the right horse. It’s more than everything being stupid, believing in a very naïve way that everybody will not care, that everybody doesn’t care.

It’s more than everything doing the wrong thing: applying to the rest of the world my own limitations, my own moral, my own believes. Why do I think everybody thinks sort of like me and they will not mind this or that? Why do I think everybody is laid back like me and they don’t have a hidden agenda or they don’t have some kind of purpose?
Then the logic kick in and make me think that certainly they mind, that certainly they must be well aware of their place, that they must compete.
Listen to this carefully: competition here is the key. In a world filled with it I have to be extremely paranoid, I have to take care of myself because everybody wants me to compete with them. Here is another key: they can win, I don’t care.  It’s like being eternally subservient in a pack of wolves where everybody wants to be alpha and you just want to be left in peace.
The world is not a common place for a submissive like me, it’s a field of mines one need to be very careful to not blown up.
Because one thing might be serving and submitting to someone willingly and then doing a mistake, another thing is being responsible for something and screwing it up. The process is the same, a punishment will be made but I don’t know the measure of it, I don’t know the ramifications and then I feel stressed about every single decision because it might inevitably lead to an error.
This is actually funny, if you think about. As a human being I am asked to be an alpha to be successful, to make a career, to make money. As a submissive every step I take to try to get me a better life with more commodities goes against it because a career is  just stress blossoming like flowers in spring and money is power I spend in futile stuff. Success is made with prevarications of others and it doesn’t give me anything, it doesn’t give me any pleasure… sometimes it even irritates me because it’s too easy.
Am I up for the challenge? No, the challenge is non-existent. Am I too lousy for the challenge? Yes and then I am stressed by my many errors because I want to be perfect.
It’s never-ending. it’s a full-time social masochism.

But then in all this today I felt something, something new. I was standing there and I saw someone was somehow scared of me.
I was sick of it. Really sick.
What just passed in my mind was this? “You fear me? I hate you. You’re not stronger than me, you’re nothing.”
And at the same time: “You fear me? I hate you, you don’t know me well or you wouldn’t fear me.”

So I was somehow standing there, sick and sad because someone I don’t know doesn’t see me for what I am and thinks I care about things I don’t care and thinks I am angry at things I am not angry.
I understood I am doing something wrong, very wrong. The perception I have of myself is not the perception people have of me.
And this is something that scares me. Completely makes me cry inside. Why? Why I need to be so much open and clear?

In dealing with a Dom, I know the rules. I know my place. I know I will be punished and I might even like it. I know some things will be done to me that I will not like and that will happen because that’s part of the deal, that’s part of the place I should be as a slave. I know I have to serve and please and I like to, I love to, I crave to. I know I have to follow my orders and I feel safe in doing it.
In dealing with the other people there is no rules I can cling to, there are no right or wrong. There are a multitude of different rules and I will never master them as I am socially inadequate to deal with them. I am not stupid, I am simply blind to what might be important for almost everybody while I take great care in things that nobody really care about.

I am trying to learn from my mistakes… but I feel like a stupid child dealing with a world of lunatics. Why she is so angry about that? What have I done to make him sad? Why is so sarcastic? Why is he not speaking to me anymore?
Rules of attraction and repulsion, like stand alone atoms.
There is not such a thing as a general theory of relativity.
All I see is the a Heisenberg uncertainty principle of human relationship proportions.

Welcome to my nightmare. I think you’re going to like it.
Maybe. 🙂