In times of need

13 09 2010

We all have our friends, our teachers, we all have our shamans. Being a simple suggestion, a powerful influence, an obscure hint, we all want sometimes to have someone else to reflect on our situation to offer us some kind of help.
In times of need my friend is an old book, the Book of Change, I Ching. I like to use it because it’s simple and immediate but it’s open enough for a personal interpretation and that personal interpretation is sometimes what says all about any problem or concern or even about the question per see that we asked.

What I’m having is a very classical situation of refusal or maybe is something more? Why suddenly all my eagerness evaporates and leaves only bitterness? Why my mind can’t think of anything else but all the things I could do or enjoy if I weren’t serving somehow? Why what two weeks ago was a pleasure now is a burden? Confused and clearly unhappy, I went to ask and I had this:

35.  The Progress

The progress is a very interesting diagram, from a domination / submission point of view. It has everything we need to declare it a successful situation: there is a powerful prince and he’s honoured deeply. There is no mistake in this as the prince, the man of power, is one of us. Is right to follow him and honour him and listen to his advices because we are on the same length. In this position he will be also free from jealousy because the servant is obedient and truthful. So there is no mistake, looks like. The situation is clear.
But then it comes down to the moving lines. Three of them. And having the moving lines and three of them indicates there is a sort of big change happening, that there is something unbalanced that need to be rectified.
The changing lines are, in my opinion, probably the most difficult thing to understand. Cryptic as they are, they show us non a single path but a variety of interpretations that is usually difficult to unravel properly. And the first line talks about not losing the temper and not leaving space for anger. We are somehow in the good spot but is necessary to avoid anger for there is no mistake in what we are doing, although there is no confidence. Having no confidence can lead to anger and anger must be avoid. The second line though opens a new realm… telling us that we are on the right place BUT that we will be denied our right knowledge and our contact with our “ancestor”. In simple words this means that we are someh0w disconnected from the prince above, that although we are in a good position, we have to deal with sorrow because we won’t have what we are looking for. We have to persevere because happiness will come from above and it won’t be in our power to reach it, it will be given once we showed we are right for it.
So, seems, the path is bright and simple. There is a good leader, there is some difficulties but in the end there is the success.  But there is still a last line, isn’t it? And what this line will be? Danger.
No, says the oracle, you’re not right. All you’re built till now is just somehow wrong, it’s dangerous. You’re amassed and amassed possession like an hamster but that’s not good. If you persevere in your path there will be danger. You have to let go, you have to embrace the change and stop your perseverance. You have to rebel and throw everything behind to reach the next step:

41. the Decrease

The image here is beautiful: a lake rests at the feet of a mountain. The harmony is given by the mutual and silent exchange of the two, where the lake became vapour and moisten the stillness of the mountain while the mountain provides the foundation.
There is no mistake, the decrease of the lake is at the expanses of the mountain. But, somehow, it’s right. The balance is gone, the foundation are shaking because the base is water and the top is mountain and it’s going to decrease in magnitude and splendour.
There is though no bad connection to this diagram. The increase and the decrease are natural, and there is no shame in admitting that we reached poverty. We somehow recognize that there is no need to lie… even if in bad form, truth must be said and kept high.
We are what we are, the diagram says, there is no need to hide or lie. We have to speak the truth and what we feel because there is no shame in what we feel, it’s the order of things.
Decrease then becomes necessary… anger must be kept controlled, instinct must be restricted. The darker part of our psyche needs to be listened and showed so to give it less power, to decrease it to make our soul shine more brighter.

What all this means? I know.
I made mistakes and I constantly do them. But the worst mistake is lying to myself, pretending to be what I am not. I must present myself truthfully, not trying to compete with the idea of myself I have, not trying to overcome my own judgement in pursuing instinct that comes from an unclear source.
The beauty lies ahead, in truth. So let’s forget the lies and let’s say:
I am what I am. I am crises after crises because I have no centre. And I don’t have anything else to offer than this: the measure of my failure and all my sincerity.
What’s happening than is right, somehow. Even if is not nice, it must be done. It will serve the purpose of prove something.
Yet we have to embrace it trying to discover a new path for the next step.

It sounds like bullshit to me, anyway.


Babel 17

5 09 2010

In the babel of languages that these days were, I hadn’t time to think too much. Sometimes to not think is good, sometimes is impossible. Sometimes it’s just such a big part of me being anxious or shameful of something that I forget the bigger picture: I’m alone and alone I can’t take care of myself properly. This I should keep in mind very clearly and more often.
Of course with that comes a very simple problem and it’s the problem of finding the right person to achieve a better state… and with that comes then the problem of giving to this person the access to my soul (because to do that is a deep act of trust, because being open is the only way to be free)… and for that I do not have the key. As far as I am concerned my mind “clicks” properly only when finds a good amount of trust and the sweet illusion to be understood. Whenever this mix is absent, even for a little bit or even simply because of my personal doubts, the whole castle crumbles to dust easily and quickly.

When that happen, when my willingness to serve dries out itself, I find myself in this position with these feelings I had in the last days: I feel inadequate, I feel wrong, I feel week, I feel pathetic. The pleasure at that point fades, the chores become a burden, playing becomes boring or even too silly and everything becomes difficult and too challenging to undergo.
I become suddenly apathetic or sometimes even openly rebellious because the thought of giving oneself to someone, completely, is too heavy to bear and is ultimately fruitless.
Shame plays a big role in these periods, suddenly what was a pleasure – however might still be a pleasure during the very moment of ungeroing it – becomes another sinful trait to add to the somehow-too-long list of my despicable tastes.

I wish I could understand why I can’t just enjoy myself without worries honestly, why I have to spend hours and hours trying to convince myself I am not sick or, even in the case I really am, that there is nothing wrong…

I spend time somehow torturing myself with negative thoughts, clearly trying to become more pathetic than I am and trying to stop myself enjoying what I like.
The fight is constant and exhausting and there is nothing that I can do, nothing. Sometimes is quiet and sometimes is powerful but is always and ever painful. It’s me fighting with myself a battle I cannot win alone.
I need to be saved from myself, isn’t it? Such a romantic stereotype.

Even now, writing these words, I’m afraid. Afraid of digging too much, afraid of not digging at all. Afraid of letting myself go, afraid of the changes my life will have. Afraid.
Always and ever afraid. Never quiet. Always in pain.