Calm me. Hurt me. Hug me. Beat me. Now.

30 05 2010

I was on the tube today to reach a park where I had a little walk. In front of me a young couple with a pretty child. He was blonde and cute and smiling and happy. I’m sure he was happy. Yet he was playing a very interesting game: He was in front of his mother and he was constantly teasing her, faking a slap or a pinch, showing no fear in overpowering the parent. He was trying to subvert the power flow, he was also learning that there are things that can be done and other that cannot, that there is something called “a reason” for it. But he was doing it with innocence, the innocence of the Fool, the unnumbered tarot card.

As I watched him a song started in my earphones. And that song was, somehow, like a flying beetle of Jungian memory (whoever will get this reference MUST write me an email lol). He stroke my mind with the simplicity of all the good answers. It was like magic.
So I did’t get to the park, there was no need for it. I didn’t stop at the right stop and I waited a little bit the song to finish and the next one to come, filling my mind with that sensation of achievment, somehow revelation.

And now that I am here, naked on the floor as I am instructed to not wear any more anything while indoor, I somehow feel something has moved on, another mechanism has clicked. While I heard that song I saw myself like the child, fighting an impossible war but not less than important for the construction of the next self. Like that child I saw myself teasing and testing to see when the slap will come and how and how painful will be and how nice will be the reconciliation after that.

It’s a game of life somehow, it’s something I can’t fight because is something I can go through to emerge different and new and yet the same.
It’s just strange that to understand this one must be on the tube, with a random song in the ears and a random family in front.
And you were right. It’s nothing that can be explained. It can only be experienced.
And it will hurt, I know, and I’m scared. But then I’ll learn and I’ll be better somehow.

And that it the song. I know I know… it’s Disney. But strange are the ways of the cosmos? Aren’t they? LOL 😉



27 05 2010

WI must really apologize with my readers because my last posts were very criptic, too obscure even for me somehow. I’ll try to be clear and simple from now on, although is very difficult for my inner nature is probably one of pure chaos.

Yes, I have now an Owner and yes, I’ll soon relocate to reach him and be his 24/7. It’s a big jump and it’s been very difficult but at the same time it was joyful.
What’s happening in the last few weeks is that I am rejecting the very same thought and I am full of doubts I never had and I don’t know how to deal with.
I always like pain but now the thought of it and the feeling I have after causing me some self-pain, is something I can’t stand and I would do anything to avoid it. I always like to show myself, to feel a bitch, but now the very thought of it disappeared and what I am left it’s just sorrow and fear and certainly not a single wish toward sluttiness. I always liked to follow orders, especially demanding ones but now even following the basic ones is difficult and not rewarding, just very stressful.

I do trust my Owner in this, but I fear the situation I am in might be too much for him and certianly is too much for me. I am constantly depressed and emptied of any sexual energy but in all this the ironic part is that what I have between my legs seems to follow his own desire and is well awake in moments in which my brain is simply too shattered and I just want to cry.

I don’t know what’s happening to me, I don’t know how and why I feel so deeply the willingness to flee and run and fly away. I don’t know why there is no more pleasure, why there is no more fun, why there is no more joy but only deep sadness and thoughts of desperation.

Have you got any idea? Is that normal in the mind of a slave to feel this kind of things? If so, honestly, the pain I can bear on my body is nothing compared to the pain of the mind. A pain I cannot stop or turn my head away from, a pain that follow me in everything I do and anything I think and that stains every single second of my time.

I had yesterday a set of new rules to follow, a set of behaviour to endorse to make me feel more submissive. It didn’t work at all honestly and I had a sort of panic attack yesterday in the morning while following all that set of rules. Back one year ago that rules would have greatly enached my slave feelings, now instead they’re just a pain I cannot stand and something I cannot understand. Back in time that rules would have made me feel a real slave and I would have reached that point where nothing matters but pleasing my Owner, and it would start from the first single action because I would recognize in this actions the proper things to do for a slave. Now this is not happening and I don’t know why.

I’m scared and I feel shallow and alone and I don’t allow myself any pleasure anymore. My appetite deserted me and my willingness to wank as well. As I am feeling now, I don’t even want to have an orgasm, I would just sleep all the day and hide from anything.

Have you got any idea of what’s happening to me? I don’t. What I thought is simply that I am still fighting my ego and somehow he is winning. What I thought is that, unlikely my previous experience, this one will become a real one and it’s "realness" is something I can’t cope with alone.

Or maybe I’m just seriously depressed and all this is not helping me. Or this is the Shadow and it’s striking hard and merciless and its blows are killing my soul.

Whatever is going on, I can’t do it. I can’t take more. I can’t let myself go and I don’t know why.
Can you help me?


20 05 2010

After the peace the storm, again and again. I do fight even if the surface is calm and maybe only vaguely rippled.
There is a thin line, almost a fragile edge that would be wonderful to crash, screaming and crying, that would be liberating to fuck totally up to see what happens, to se the result of a movement of riot.

But then one would have to pay the price, isn’t it? So the strategy is simple and it’s all about waiting. Hiding beneath a curtain there is a ravaging rage ready to explode. How it will happen and when is not something I can decide. I’ll wait and wait for the right moment to fight back with all my strenght.

It’s a shame though that I have so little of it left. That all I feel sometimes is a deep shallow emptiness. Methaphorical point of a life spent doing the wrong things at the wrong time and then findint oneself old and sick of almost everything.

So that’s the war? Is that the demon to fight?
Ah no, please no. I can’t do it, I don’t have the strenght.
I am weak enough as I am right now.
With the wrong feelings in my chest, the wrong words on my tongue.
And a wish impossible to come true: the wrath of the distruction, the peace of the ultimate riot.

I don’t want to feel what I feel. I’m sick of myself every day more and more. I should run. Now.

The randomness of desire

10 05 2010

There is a movement of silence in act. It’s peaceful and harmless. Is a decreased disinterest for almost everything and everyone but the simplicity of resting and waiting. The weird holidays are indeed going to an end. I just have to turn the mobile on and maybe someone will txt me and I will be able to go out and have fun but, honestly, I am not so sure I feel like.
It’s difficult to answer to such a simple question like “How are you? How’s London?” not because I don’t have an answer but mostly because of the remains that such a question leaves on my tongue.
There is something underneath the surface that still wants to explore the possibilities because maybe I did something wrong, because maybe I never had enough time, because maybe I never understood what’s wrong and I never tried to fix it.

It is my choice though? Can I lead a simple life? Or am I somehow destined to something else?
And if the answer is somehow positive, what that “somehow” will be?
I am deliberatly trying to avoid any thought about all of this. And surprisinly it’s happening. Like I am sedating the beast and in doing so I’m putting to rest everything ralated to my slave being.

I am not sure if it’s good or bad. It’s simple happening as I am here, as I feel I am distant both from my duties and from my fantasies. It’s a sort of a Limbo that I would like to live forever though, there is no pain in it, there is no joy but there is a certain degree of peace.

I am under the impression it’s just a moment though, the quite before the storm.
My mind is focused on something else, on having a shower now and then going out to maybe meet a friend or just enjoy the city. But I am not enjoying it… it’s a shallow walk to places I would like to feel mine but it’s obvious that they’re not.
I would like to come back to Italy? Yes I would. But I can’t see myself here.
So there is a constant paradox and yet my thoughts, split in two by a mistery, are going in different directions. I leave them running, I follow them with my eye, but they go and I don’t feel anything. I am hiding somewhere distant.

Come to find me. And please help me.

Goodbye, maybe

8 05 2010

So it’s time to leave. Tomorrow the train will lead me to another city to visit my few friends and I’ll try to smile.
But I’m broken inside somehow. As usual. There’s a crack in the porcelain of my soul that I’ve never been able to fix and that crack is impossible to hide or to just forget. It’s always there in plain sight and I can avoid to watch it but there is always something happening that put my mind back again on it.

Face to face with myself is always so painful.
I need a blindfold. I can’t witness myself anymore.

One of the best songs ever, anyway. °_°

So far I accomplished nothing

7 05 2010

It’s when you’re in the wrong pizza restaurant, sitting in front of your mother who just told you you’re growing old, nearby your grandmother that is going totally mental and wants to come to live with you, nearby your brother who’s nut as ever and just after meeting your primary school teacher who still remembers you and ask you if you followed your dream, after you spent the afternoon reading a book you forgot about and that reminds you of your lost passions, is after a day like this that you realize how utterly and impossibly useless your life is and how deeply and strongly you would like to press an imaginary “expel” botton right now.
If everything around you just constantly reminds you of your most intimate and strong failures, of all the love you didn’t give or had, of all the dreams you left behind because you were too busy being sucked by a black hole of desperation, if to all of this you just wake up and you see how a week of flu reduce you, with everyone telling how skinny and horrible you are – maybe not mentioning the horrible part BUT surely with a certain kind of looking upon you that leaves nothing to your doubts, with the doctors telling you this and that and nothing looks really encouraging, if all of this happens and you’re still breathing… well you definetly ask yourself why you had in heritage such a sensitive temperament when, surely, all you need it’s just a door to shut between you and the world.

It would be wonderful and at the same time perfect: a life of absolute nothing with just books and books and books, to live adventure and to read and to build knowledge on knowledge on the only friends you have left… books.
Slowly but at least not “painfully” withering like a flower, because maybe when you were young you were good looking and you were also smart but then time comes and what you have left of the two is a small fraction, each year smaller while memories somehow are growing stronger and brighter, slowly fading away from life because there is nothing in it that at the moment could have even the smallest chance of being interesting… forgetting maybe joy but also forgetting pain…
Well when you went through all this and you also realized that at the end is nothing and you’re making a fuss of it for silly reasons but you still have feelings you’re not able to tame or silence, when you happen to be in this state… trust me, not even music can help you.

Hoping won’t help you anymore. Try something better.
Try to run.


6 05 2010

The bell is sounding, all the valley can hear it to be honest, but here is very strong, we are just underneath it. It’s the biggest sounding bell in the world I believe.
I always liked it when I was a child, the message of peace that it brings every night at the same time to remember all who died during the war and to remember us the importance of peace.

So everything tastes of memories… the happiness of childhood, the music my parents loved (appearing on tv in a strange show about the 80’s) and what I loved of that distant and happy times.
Maybe I wasn’t that happy, maybe I just remember it as happiness. But somehow the music and the bell now brings back memories I can’t hold.

And this was my favourite song which I forgot and I listend to for the last time when I was fourteen y.o. and my father left me in the car for he had to do something in the vineyard.

Weird enough now I can understand it. And I’m not so sure if I should smile.
Today I don’t want to think.
I want silence, everywhere.