Generation aftercare

16 10 2011

I started quite an intriguing  book ( you can find title and an excerpt here> ) after a friend suggestion.
The story per see is nothing exceptional, t’s a simple and understated biography of a Dom… a self-proclaimed Leather Man and it’s supposed to be from a top perspective.
And this is extremely interesting and thrilling to read both because I can see through the eyes of a Top – although it’s restricted to the author view – and reflect on the bottom role.
But there is something even more interesting in what I read: nothing of that exists anymore. Or maybe I wasn’t lucky enough to find it.
I just started the book  but the perspective I am reading and enjoying it something I never meet, something I never experienced so far. It seems there is a psychology and spirituality behind the Master/slave dynamic… and I didn’t use those words lightly. It seems there is a sort of integrity, a profound respect and an understanding and it’s striking me as beautiful and impossible.
As a sub, I know where I came from but sometimes I forget my need. I forget that what I crave is not only to serve and please but also to let myself go, to share myself, my insecurities, my fears, my believes, my experiences, my dreams, to be open finally.
We all know what it is that we look for at the end of the whip, but sometimes we forget for a very simple reason: we are lost in a world without care, a world without aftercare. A world where everything is expected and nothing is given. How may times I stepped out of a scene for this or the other reasons – most of the time my own fears or panic – and I’ve been approached in a positive manner and not dismissed? How many times? Zero. Yes, zero. I didn’t realize at the beginning, I thought I was weird and that it was my own problem to solve my emotional issues – and indeed it is – but reading of aftercare after a scene made me somehow glitch, I saw the white elephant and I understood that what I am looking for is a step behind me,  a step higher.
It’s even more difficult now to reach it but it has a name… is a sort of mixture of pride and self-assurance, it’s understanding your own needs and wishes. It’s willing to be from myself.

Spirituality is the key. Because there is something strong and powerful in giving up oneself completely to be just a toy, to be only pleasure. There are too many underlying dynamics and so much energies and the place we could visit through them are so far and distant that it all seems like a different world. When I am there and the belt is coming on me, the second before I slip inside that space where everything is calm and flowing and so deeply perfect… that second is made of magic, is made of all the words I don’t have to explain it to you. But it’s there and it’s vibrant and it calls me because I know its taste, I know its color.
Could I talk about this with all the tops/Doms I served in the past years? No, not too all of them… probably only one or two could understand what I am writing and saying. Most of them will dismiss this as simply the blubbering of a demented child.
Because here we have arrived, because scenes are served on a massive scale and when you enter you’re just meat. You’re not a boy, you’re not a toy, you’re not property.
Property. What a funny little silly word this is… property. You go at his place, you’re his property for a couple of hours then you’re dismissed, off you go. You’re just meat on the altar for the simultaneity of this era.
We are meat, we are constantly  asked to say yes always and more than always too. But is this the right way to play? Isn’t the slave supreme choice – the one to complete surrender – the one and only most wonderful thing we should have to give? So why pretend we can give it freely, without knowing the scene, without knowing  the boundaries, without contracting the steps to indulge in?

What I seek it’s my pleasure and it’s yours too. Your pleasure is to have me and use me and show me places where I’ve never been. Your pleasure is to seek that pain I can give you the right to inflict on me because I want to, because I need to find my place in the fabric of reality.
But these days we have forgotten this little fact: it’s a game with two players, it’s a dynamic. It’s me and you giving shape to something that we can’t do alone.

So now I wonder why I can’t find you. Why I am not able to satisfy my hunger with just a night of passion and whipping. Maybe you are out there, matching my hunger with a mirrored taste.
My boundaries lie behind and underneath yours. I am the pillar where you can build your palace.
Because I am the meat that screams and says “Thank you Sir” and begs for more.

So go on, follow the path. I couldn’t care less. If you don’t see me, if you don’t see what I am and what we could be, you’re not that I can give myself completely too.
You’re one of the thousands in this world of blind people. And I seek the one who has an eye. I seek the King.

You can’t stop me.
I fly higher than you.
(Link to the book’s review: )


it’s simple, you’re mine and you need me.

29 04 2010

Here I am, on my knees with my orange underwear on. something I am somehow learning to love. Here I am again speaking about what’s happening even if I don’t have any clue about it and more than everything I don’t know where it will lead me.

So, they say, the life of a slave is a life of pain, isn’t it? We already saw how magic and deep the pain can be, we already settled that the ordeal path is not that far from.
What I missed to understand it there are kinds of pain I could never imagine. And one of them is making me sitting here right now writing this short post… the focal point is need. I know I need my Master, I feel it now, deeply. So deeply that it’s a pain, a real pain. When the feeling goes right to the mind a bell sounds and consciousness regain his kingdom and the pain is doubled: the intense pain of that need and the even intense pain of the somehow weirdness of that feeling that comes straight from the conscious mind.
it’s a clash of titans, the need, the willingness to serve and to please, the pleasure of being dominated against the set of rules that we all have stuck inside our head.
it’s indeed a magnificent battle to see. a little less to feel under your own skin. the Ego is powerful and gigantic, while the dark hopes that fight against it are small in comparison but many.

I feel hung. Like the proverbial hunged man I am blind and throw on the verge of something I cannot see or comprend or to a certain extent enjoy. There is something inside me that screams for help and you can hear his voice only when I am not there, only when I am somewhere else. And that something feels and screams in ways I am not used to and I don’t know it’s name.
But it’s there and the pains of that needs it feels all  together quite quite bittersweet, still are pains nonetheless.

I can’t believe, simple as it is. Can’t believe. And again is hard to admit to myself, almost near to impossible to understand. Yes I shall go on for the path is just begun. I can’t say if it’s right or wrong, I’ll find out at the end I guess.

Rescue me, the storm is coming.

Simple as drinking, difficult as breathing

9 04 2010

Aren’t we always here, trying to find another question or another darn answer?
Three months and I am back on track. I lost my place and now I am slowly finding it back. It’s magic and you know it when you see it, you feel it with the first whip on your skin… it’s magic and it’s a path and it leads me here again and again.
Drawn to explore, bound to face my fears… the real ones… the ones that make you smell badly and wake you up during the night in a pool of sweat. But even behind them there is always the search, the path to knowing myself more and more and more… and facing what I am with more strength, with the joy of truth.
Am I travelling in places too dark? I am dreaming of ownership too vividly? Who knows.
There is pleasure though and joy alongside with pain. And I am glad to give my pain to him, somehow.

It’s strange the world of the mind, its strawberry fields are vast and morbid. Too beautiful to avoid them. It’s time to start to compromise.

So, looks like I have a owner. It’s distant yet, it’s something just starting.
But to start you have to be crazy and I was. To start you have to be the Fool and brace yourself for the journey that starts with a leap of faith.

Here I am, naked and on my knees, gain.
Waiting to learn, waiting to let me go.
Waiting to kiss and swallow.

How I developed so far

1 09 2009

“I am a Master who can give you what you need”

it started like that, with this phrase and a comment about my profile… I understood I was speaking with someone that was able to read behind my words and I hoped he would be able to read behind my thought as well.
It’s difficult to understand how I’ve developed so far, very diffucult. Being here, on this side of the barricade, means I have just a one way opinion of what’s happening, and sometimes my opinion is scaring or is worrying.

Reading our old chats was interesting. I saw how much I’ve changed, I so I don’t fear to say any more I’m a slave and that I exist to please my Master, to give him my body, my mind and my soul.
What I saw is that now I am grateful, for I want to be His joy, I want to be his pleasure, I want to be nothing but what He wants me to be… and this sense of gratitude is so deep and hard that sometimes it hurts, but somehow is right.

I know now what’s my place, I’m glad and thankful you found me Sir for I was lost before meeting you.
I didn’t know what to do, how to behave, what to feel and now I know I have to be open for you and I have to please you for my pleasure is only in making you happy, for you will take care of everything else and you control me where I can’t control myself properly.
I’m sorry if sometimes I’m scared and I don’t understand and then I ask silly questions about my feelings, for now looks like you know my feelings more than I do and now I see what you told me the first time and how it became real.

There feelings are hard, deep, they hurt sometimes so badly I cannot tell properly, like a bite here in my guts or butterfly in my stomach.
But now I don’t have anymore the key for them.
For only you, my Master, know my real me… more than I know myself.

Thank you for letting me be your boi Sir.
Thank you for teaching me what’s being a slave, thank  you for making me feel this emotions.
Sincerly and deeply thank you for making me the wonderful creature I am now.
Thank you Sir.

11 08 2009

Is that right what I feel? The desire to please, to obey, my carve for control? The willingness to let someone to get inside my head so easily?
Will I be honest as much as I’m asked to be, will I be able to face what I am, to understand it, to go past it and find my true self?

These are just questions, I can’t answer them for now nor I should… I have to let me go for now, to follow where I’m going to see where it leads me. I see I reached a point were I won’t look back. And that’s beautiful somehow.
It will all make sense eventually, I think. Epiphany never looked so near me as today.
And today it’s just nothing of what it can be, isn’t it?

So let me sleep this sleep of ignorance. Let me dream of bliss.
The bed is near and the day was meaningful. The boy has served and has pleased and is happy.
He must sleep again.

A day of sun, a day of thoughts

9 08 2009

Today was a wonderful day, a day of sun, a day of shopping.
Today I realized how much I carve for control and how much I need it for sometimes I’m not able to control myself.
Today I realized how deep inside myself is the need to serve but also how strong is my fear.
How much I need to feel to have someone to guide me for I’m not sure what to do.

There are still a lot of questions inside my mind, but today is not the day to discuss them.
Today I just realized a couple of things, I bought a book on BDSM and Paganism and I’m waiting for my daily epiphany.

Is far to come, I fear.
But I’m pretty confidant.

Also I’m darn curious about that book and I want to wank but I can’t.
I guess that’s life… a sub’s life! ahah 🙂

Still the same undies

1 08 2009

Here I am, following orders seriously for the first time. It sounds it’s my place, it’s what I am, something hidden deep inside me that is yet to be accepted or understood.
I’m following the orders of a Master and thursday he made me cum in my underwear and then I had to wear them till sunday… it’s been three days and then from sunday I’ll have to follow a strict series of rules about washing and underwear, a way to understand that I’ll have to give up on things that I keep for granted.
I guess it’s only the start, isn’t it?

I have to open myself and find that something that I deeply miss and that makes me leaking so much precum just reading a text message.

But yet I’m scared and thoughtful about what to do, what’s wrong and what’s right.
I have only my body and its pleasure to understand that I’m enjoying it on a subconscious level because the rest of my mind is trying to rationalize all this hornyness and leaking.
I guess there’s not too much to rationalize, it’s what I am… a slave looking for a Master, following orders as it should be.

But it’s not easy as it sounds and the path to walk is still long.
I’ll do my best, as always.