And the body will follow

21 12 2011

I spent months here speaking of myself, of my feelings. I am lost into them like in this labyrinth I created, a realm where I am the owner of my own mind space, a king in a land of emptiness. Still though I find myself on my knees, suddenly, only because of the need to answer a series of simple personal questions, drowned again by the river of thoughts I always seems to have in my soul. Will you be able to help me in getting rid of this coating? this thick layer of dust that piled up upon a more deeper and true sense of self? These are the usual questions that are filling my mouth during the weird dreams of this week… because I never dreamed so much like this week and so vividly. I welcome sleep not like a blessing but like an adventure.
So my mind wonders and I find myself in difficulty, again. Why is so difficult to understand and find out what I like? Is that because of my rigid mind, where everything need to have an explanation and a reason? Or is it maybe because again my inner judge is so much stronger than I thought, taking pieces of myself as trophies for his reign of methodical madness? And how does fit in all this the perpetual chaos that lies in my room, where I wouldn’t even want to live but I force myself to survive?
Surely one answer is because I am scared that I might not like what I like. If I had an owner this would make much more sense, but somehow has a meaning even without that. It’s simply the intense fear of being rejected, the irrational feeling of loss… one would like to know and understand in order to please and serve perfectly, in doing so getting rid of the possibility of that rejection so many times experienced and introjected.
Also is quite difficult to discern because one thing is  what I like and another think is what I need… can I make this choice by myself? Am I allowed, as a would be slave, to make a statement as this?
It’s a funny place the mind of a sub, I swear. There are things that we love, things that we hate, things that we get some pleasure from and thing that we adore to be denied or rules we want to follow, certain menial tasks that remind us what we are… most of the time I simply love to ask permission and that is because sometimes I expect a no.  In asking permission I am giving the power to a “you”.  I am delegating a decision to someone else. This is quite important in a slave psyche I suppose too, a simple dynamic of giving up our own control, a gift we are pleased and happy to give away, sometimes a way too lightly.
Also sometimes one doesn’t want to fix a course of action. To name is to block in the process of thought our memories about that specific item. How can I be sure what what you mean is what I mean? My memories are mine only, my meanings are my secret garden.
But funny enough, I’ve always been very bad in putting stuff in order of preference or give them a value. Why is so? Fear to decide? Even the most simple stuff sometimes puts me in a panic state. And that is why I stutter sometimes, because my mind goes too quick and my mouth cannot follow, stuck as it is in trying to elaborate something I consciously know is a mere meaning of a concept I will never be able to explain.
For we are lonely beasts. Were the mind goes the body will follow, with asynchronous grace.

But where my mind goes, right now, I don’t know.
I need a leash for it. I need thicker restraints.

(Waking Life – if you’ve never seen it, please do. You might understand why I can’t speak sometimes)


Generation aftercare

16 10 2011

I started quite an intriguing  book ( you can find title and an excerpt here> ) after a friend suggestion.
The story per see is nothing exceptional, t’s a simple and understated biography of a Dom… a self-proclaimed Leather Man and it’s supposed to be from a top perspective.
And this is extremely interesting and thrilling to read both because I can see through the eyes of a Top – although it’s restricted to the author view – and reflect on the bottom role.
But there is something even more interesting in what I read: nothing of that exists anymore. Or maybe I wasn’t lucky enough to find it.
I just started the book  but the perspective I am reading and enjoying it something I never meet, something I never experienced so far. It seems there is a psychology and spirituality behind the Master/slave dynamic… and I didn’t use those words lightly. It seems there is a sort of integrity, a profound respect and an understanding and it’s striking me as beautiful and impossible.
As a sub, I know where I came from but sometimes I forget my need. I forget that what I crave is not only to serve and please but also to let myself go, to share myself, my insecurities, my fears, my believes, my experiences, my dreams, to be open finally.
We all know what it is that we look for at the end of the whip, but sometimes we forget for a very simple reason: we are lost in a world without care, a world without aftercare. A world where everything is expected and nothing is given. How may times I stepped out of a scene for this or the other reasons – most of the time my own fears or panic – and I’ve been approached in a positive manner and not dismissed? How many times? Zero. Yes, zero. I didn’t realize at the beginning, I thought I was weird and that it was my own problem to solve my emotional issues – and indeed it is – but reading of aftercare after a scene made me somehow glitch, I saw the white elephant and I understood that what I am looking for is a step behind me,  a step higher.
It’s even more difficult now to reach it but it has a name… is a sort of mixture of pride and self-assurance, it’s understanding your own needs and wishes. It’s willing to be from myself.

Spirituality is the key. Because there is something strong and powerful in giving up oneself completely to be just a toy, to be only pleasure. There are too many underlying dynamics and so much energies and the place we could visit through them are so far and distant that it all seems like a different world. When I am there and the belt is coming on me, the second before I slip inside that space where everything is calm and flowing and so deeply perfect… that second is made of magic, is made of all the words I don’t have to explain it to you. But it’s there and it’s vibrant and it calls me because I know its taste, I know its color.
Could I talk about this with all the tops/Doms I served in the past years? No, not too all of them… probably only one or two could understand what I am writing and saying. Most of them will dismiss this as simply the blubbering of a demented child.
Because here we have arrived, because scenes are served on a massive scale and when you enter you’re just meat. You’re not a boy, you’re not a toy, you’re not property.
Property. What a funny little silly word this is… property. You go at his place, you’re his property for a couple of hours then you’re dismissed, off you go. You’re just meat on the altar for the simultaneity of this era.
We are meat, we are constantly  asked to say yes always and more than always too. But is this the right way to play? Isn’t the slave supreme choice – the one to complete surrender – the one and only most wonderful thing we should have to give? So why pretend we can give it freely, without knowing the scene, without knowing  the boundaries, without contracting the steps to indulge in?

What I seek it’s my pleasure and it’s yours too. Your pleasure is to have me and use me and show me places where I’ve never been. Your pleasure is to seek that pain I can give you the right to inflict on me because I want to, because I need to find my place in the fabric of reality.
But these days we have forgotten this little fact: it’s a game with two players, it’s a dynamic. It’s me and you giving shape to something that we can’t do alone.

So now I wonder why I can’t find you. Why I am not able to satisfy my hunger with just a night of passion and whipping. Maybe you are out there, matching my hunger with a mirrored taste.
My boundaries lie behind and underneath yours. I am the pillar where you can build your palace.
Because I am the meat that screams and says “Thank you Sir” and begs for more.

So go on, follow the path. I couldn’t care less. If you don’t see me, if you don’t see what I am and what we could be, you’re not that I can give myself completely too.
You’re one of the thousands in this world of blind people. And I seek the one who has an eye. I seek the King.

You can’t stop me.
I fly higher than you.
(Link to the book’s review: )

So to speak

21 04 2010

If change is coming, change must be understood. If the understanding for any reason is lacking, we might seek help and ask someone else to speak for us. That someone, in today’s case, is the I Ching, the book of change. I always like I Ching, always, since the first time I discovered it in a little book from a not so famous sci-fi author (whoever find out the author, will have my never-ending sympathy).

So asking about change to the Book of change, sounded somehow right. The question, of course, will not revealed for obvious reasons but the answer was, I must say, rather impressive.

Standing there, after the ritual toss of the coins, was the diagram number 18: KU the Decay.

Wind is trapped under the mountain and so the decay is in act.

	Has supreme success.
	It furthers one to cross the great water.
	Before the starting point, three days.
	After the starting point, three days.

So they say, speaking of something that is maybe old and rotten and need to be cut. Might be old habits, old thought, might be the boredom of life, might be anything. But whatever it is, is decaying because it lacks the foundations because it’s simply coming from an abuse of freedom. I suggest caution though because one need to do what he’s doing to be able to “cross the water” to change, to go on. Before and after caution is needed. New energy must be brought in to end the state of stasis which leads to decay and remove stagnation, because and end is needed to start a new beginning.

Going further on, the changing lines are even more funnier.

Six in the fifth place means:
	Setting right what has been spoiled by the father.
	One meets with praise.

So the decay is indeed is something old, coming from a previous situation (aka the father) and only with sincere help and praise, one can meet the necessary success.

Nine at the top means:
	He does not serve kings and princes,
	Sets himself higher goals.

And this last changing line is the cherry on the pie. It speaks of a man who doesn’t abide to social rules – “does not serve kings”- but find his way in withdrawal from the mass for a deeper connection with oneself is needed.

The conclusion of this pretty obvious situation is diagram 48: the Well

The Well, the eternal nourishment, the water coming off the wood to satisfy all our thirsty thoughts. Because cities and wall goes down and are created but the Well remains for it is life and life is never ending. To approach it though one must be cautious, one must go to the foundation of oneself and come back without rushing, at his own peace. Because the foundation of every human being is the same and we need to reach them to understand and evolve from there again but we can get stuck in our own education, leading to a stasis and the simplicity of following conventions, or we might just collapse and neglect ourself and the path we did so far. We must follow the wise order and begin to build this foundation again, piece by piece, step by step.

As usual I Ching spoke and I am impressed. The answer is quite far from the question but it fits the situation perfectly.
As usual I understand why Jung loved it soo much, devoting himself in spreading this ancient book all over Europe.

If this is not epiphany I don’t know what else could be.

	Has supreme success.
	It furthers one to cross the great water.
	Before the starting point, three days
	After the starting point, three days.

Not me

3 09 2009

This is not me, all stressed for being late and for it’s impossible to have 8hr sleep due to work. I didn’t come here in London for that. This is not me, so deprived of my own creativity, my small and beautiful world of magic and dreams. I didn’t come here in london for that.
I am joy, shaking chains and pulling a leash. I am desire, waiting naked an gagged on the floor. I am contentment, bound to a sling and asking for mercy.

Please, make me what I am. Don’t let me be what the world is asking. For that is called loss.
And I want to be just satisfaction.

15 08 2009

In the realm of pleasure a slave is always lost. He’s selfish and looking for an immediate release of his endorphines.
What he lacks in control, he abounds for sure in libido,  for fantasies are everywhere in his mind and he can hardly suppress them.
The connection libido-control is quite interesting. It’s roughly a paradigm of classical opposites, where libido is supposedly to be wild and vast while control is rigid and firm. One being more liquid and the other being more solid, it’s easy to see how they fit in a dynamic partnership.

I would like to speak a bit more of this, but for now I don’t have time. And maybe the will is lacking too.
I must say that what I’m always interested in is easily this: what happens to my mind when I crave a whip, when I sniff that used underwear, when I want someone to twist my nipples badly.
I might know what’s in play here, that dreaded endorphines we were speaking about, but that’s not my field of interest. Chemistry is just a dream of Alchemy.
What’s the archetype then that leads me in that moments? What’s the Tarot I represent? What’s the point in the Three of Life that might fit?
What comes to my mind, suddenly, is the Hanged Man. Odin in his pain hanged to the Tree of the World, Odin lacking an eye but seeing a lot more than that. As we all know pain always had a place in shamanism and in a lot of religions (name one who does’t have a martyr and you will find a rare exception to this rule) and it’s not my duty to explain that… but the connection to knowledge and the divine is always tehre.

But, again, what’s in my mind to do the trick? what’s in my mind to make me leak so much?
Answering to this question is not the point. The questions are the point indeed.
As always I fail to find an easy path, I just get stuck in the realm of the mind so easily that it looks like it’s normal.
It’s not, honestly.
When you find a path you must walk it and see where it leads you, you’re not supposed to stop and eat the berries. You might find a crossway and then Hecat is there to show you Her three-headed way…
But again is the end the goal? Or is not simply enjoying the trip? For when the end comes a new path will blossom under your feet.
All you have to do, my dear inner slave, is hoping it will be even more strict.
For every step you take just leads you a little bit more nearer the source of all our libido.

when the sky is the limit

10 08 2009

Something is happening around me and although I will not speak of it, I must say it’s leading me to think about the limits.
In every D/s relationship, as far as I know, there’s a subtle play about the limits, about setting them and pushing them a little further.
There are contracts and consents, there is the word and the will.
No wonder why I find it so easy to connect with spirituality and the occult. It’s just a thin veil what separate them.

So I’m wondering where my limits are, both on this world and in the other, thinking how to deal with them, what to do and what’s the key for them to open myself.

For as far as I saw, it’s all about words and will and contracts only for one reason:
to safeguard ourselves when we’re open for the Master.

So the connections is easy, again.
Words are the magic circle of BDSM.