So far I accomplished nothing

7 05 2010

It’s when you’re in the wrong pizza restaurant, sitting in front of your mother who just told you you’re growing old, nearby your grandmother that is going totally mental and wants to come to live with you, nearby your brother who’s nut as ever and just after meeting your primary school teacher who still remembers you and ask you if you followed your dream, after you spent the afternoon reading a book you forgot about and that reminds you of your lost passions, is after a day like this that you realize how utterly and impossibly useless your life is and how deeply and strongly you would like to press an imaginary “expel” botton right now.
If everything around you just constantly reminds you of your most intimate and strong failures, of all the love you didn’t give or had, of all the dreams you left behind because you were too busy being sucked by a black hole of desperation, if to all of this you just wake up and you see how a week of flu reduce you, with everyone telling how skinny and horrible you are – maybe not mentioning the horrible part BUT surely with a certain kind of looking upon you that leaves nothing to your doubts, with the doctors telling you this and that and nothing looks really encouraging, if all of this happens and you’re still breathing… well you definetly ask yourself why you had in heritage such a sensitive temperament when, surely, all you need it’s just a door to shut between you and the world.

It would be wonderful and at the same time perfect: a life of absolute nothing with just books and books and books, to live adventure and to read and to build knowledge on knowledge on the only friends you have left… books.
Slowly but at least not “painfully” withering like a flower, because maybe when you were young you were good looking and you were also smart but then time comes and what you have left of the two is a small fraction, each year smaller while memories somehow are growing stronger and brighter, slowly fading away from life because there is nothing in it that at the moment could have even the smallest chance of being interesting… forgetting maybe joy but also forgetting pain…
Well when you went through all this and you also realized that at the end is nothing and you’re making a fuss of it for silly reasons but you still have feelings you’re not able to tame or silence, when you happen to be in this state… trust me, not even music can help you.

Hoping won’t help you anymore. Try something better.
Try to run.

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