How intense is my need? How intense is your need?

28 11 2011

There are things one cannot speak of properly. In explaining those subjects what you might lack is simply the words. The universe of feelings is a dire bear, for one cannot be sure we mean the same thing when we speak of the same feeling. Everybody means something different.
Therefore explaining is necessary. A feeling cannot really be explained with word for words are limited to the here and now of a conversation. To feel is to subject your mind to a specific state, to talk of it is merely a collections of memories and hopes.
This is the main reason why I try to talk a lot. It’s not always understood by Masters or Tops but it’s beyond being necessary to me, is vital.
Certainly in my dreams what I look forward is simply someone who can break the chain of thoughts with a face slap or a bite of the whip and then proceed to put me in that state of mind and body that I so much long for. But that ideal situation is just what is it, ideal, it cannot happen. One must ask and explain and answer and then trying. It’s a process of trials and errors and in being so is extremely frustrating.
It’s frustrating for a very simple reason: my desire to serve and please and beg is much bigger than my thoughts. Is beyond my possibilities to express it. It’s scaring for it is so deep and strong that it doesn’t leave space for anything else. I cannot trace the boundaries of that field, is immense. It gave me sensations I didn’t know I could have and pleasures I didn’t know I could experiment. It gives me pains so exquisite that I know I can’t handle them without phasing out of my own mind.
Here is the core, the problem. I much talk about it and I try to put it in practice. But is not possible. It’s a state of mind that doesn’t belong to the usual consciousness of the daily mind, is a shift of paradigm that throw me deep inside a dark place I don’t know about it. Who do I give the keys to this place then? It’s so powerful and strong and beautiful but I can’t unleash unless I feel safe. And that safety is so hard to express and find too.
How can I try to live my sexual life fully if it requires such a degree of trust that can be found only in consumed and strong relationships?
I am puzzled. And frustrated again. I am at that silly stage where vanilla doesn’t really interest me anymore. I might still manage to get hard and even have an orgasm with a normal, vanilla intercourse. But I don’t see the point. It’s somehow a diluted version of what it can be. It’s not the real thing, it doesn’t give me the same pleasure.
I’m scared. I’m really scared. Did I crossed the threshold from an interest to a fetish and then to addiction?
Is my need of submission and humiliation and pain so strong that it took over all my pleasures?
Yes, I fear so. There is a beauty in being frustrated so much and so deeply but it’s a delicate balance on a very thin line. Then the frustration becomes too much and errors might happen and my souls is so open that scars take time to heal. And scars will happen indeed.

I don’t know what to do, I must be honest. I cannot go back where I was, thinking this might just be a phase. I cannot proceed and delve deeply in my depravity for reasons I spoke so much so many time about.

Where is the exit again? Where is my white rabbit?

Am I running up the wrong hill?

 

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