Oh well

26 02 2011

I am going through a lot of very different and difficult periods. None of them is really interesting or fun, let’s simply say I wish I would be somewhere else or someone else, I wish I made different decisions in the past, I wish I would have read different books or visited different dreams. I am not who I am suppose to be, or maybe I am what I could be with what was left of me after years of obscure melancholy. Work is what it is, my sentimental life is generally non-existant, I can number my friend in my right end and all of them are inherited from my high school in Italy, so clearly something must be wrong there.
How I ended up being a sort of manager, me that I clearly lack and sense of leadership, that I despise making decision and giving orders, how I ended up I was saying is a mystery it will take me the rest of my funny life to find out.
I try not to lose hope but I think I might be on the verge of the loss already, swimming in waters that I don’t like and that don’t make me in anyway happy.
A friend of mine said I am a missed concubine… and I don’t think he knew how much truth there was inΒ  his words. Or maybe he did and that makes him even more precious (but so distant stuck there in that country that I left years ago to come here in London)

In moments like this one must have a personal space where to hide, a form of Tiffany’s of Capotean memories, a shelter from the overall ugliness of the world, a wall against our own impending demise.
Mine are all very mental space, go figure, and I find them quite revealing my personality.

The first one is the Muppets. I suppose everybody knows the Muppets and everybody spent hours watching them and memorizing every single sketch as a magical formula against any kind of sadness. If not, my friends, let me tell you that in them you will find not only wonderful music but also the balm your soul is craving for, the medicine to mend your broken heart, the pills to colour your sight of pinks and greens and reds over the rainbow.
Looking at the same hilarious sketch will not wear it, will not diminish its power. Watching the same sweet candy song will not gives you less and less pleasure but always the same amount of warm feelings, if not more when in dire need.

The second place is probably Quantum Physics… for reasons that I still have to understand, the mind-crashing logic of the quantum paradoxes are making me extremely dependent on new knowledge and new ways to understand this really funny place we are bound to inhabit for the rest of our life. The fact that sometimes I even understand what they are talking about maybe also helps.

Then there is computer games. Since I am a free slave (lol what an oxymoron) I can spend as much time as I like on silly games, conquering galaxies, killing dragons, saving random peasants from the brutality of the dark ages. It is very funny to remark that no matter what I do, I try to go for the “good” path but I find i very very hard do displease my companions even if is obvious they are evil and they don’t like my course of very good actions. Somehow, even in computer games, I try to avoid conflicts being quite submissive? LOL there is no real hope then form me.

I suppose this three little places where I go to hide when I am sad, are something that speaks about me a lot. Indeed.
And then there is of course the random xtube video (the one where the sub is too cute and moaning so nicely that you cannot avoid to add to your already immense list of favourites). But maybe that’s more jerking material.
Which, looking at things from the bright side, is something that I can go back to do very often and everywhere. Since I am free again and the only limit to my orgasms is my imagination. Charming!

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