It might be just this

18 08 2010

One cannot describe the act of submitting properly, nor the act of submitting willingly to pain for someone else pleasure.
I suppose the main reason for this is quite simple, the whole thing is based on a very strong oxymoron, as mm beautifully and simply said: you want it but you don’t want it, you like it but you don’t like it. There is no escape from this dynamic, and the deeper you go, the stronger it becomes, it’s eros and thanatos at his best.
What I did failed to realize is that it needs a large dose of strength (and this  post here was instrumental in this epiphany)… an act of submission is ultimately an act of will, even in the extreme cases where you give up that will, even in there there is the constant need for a sort of will, the need to please and obey and suffer.
It is beautiful indeed and strong too, and I didn’t realize completely how deep that need runs in my veins, how deep hides in my soul. I still can’t face it completely and that is why I often end up being miserable.
It is very difficult so far because I never manage to confront myself and accept myself for what I am. I should realize that the secret lies in me more than everything else and that even if my owner can help me a lot in this process, there is nothing but my ego to dissolve to finally reach another state of being, a state of total ownership.

What I feel and want to be is quite simple and easy to describe although it’s utterly difficult to achieve, next to impossible for me at the moment having this brain that never stop thinking lol
The beauty of being pure pleasure always and ever, the intensity of having no bounds and no will but the one that direct you completely, the relieve in leaving behind a mountain of masks and lies and being free in being totally controlled.
Again, as we saw earlier, a contradiction in terms: freedom found in the lack of any freedom, an endless desire bound only by someone’s else will.
Is it possible to achieve? Is it safe to achieve? Is it healthy? That is quite what my paranoid self asks every time and maybe there is no answer so far.

Where lies that answer is something I have to find. But I am not broken and I’ll do whatever I can because I must.

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