Subject is lacking understanding

3 08 2010

Let’s be honest: this blog is quite lacking material to define it as a “slave” discovery journey. I suppose the main reason for that it’s just the fact I don’t go too much into details… but details are annoying and details have the very funny habit of fixing thing, to make them clear. Just hiding everything under a curtain of missing information sounds easier or if not easier at least safer.
These two last days have been horrible, honestly. I’ll probably have to write something about later on but I never felt so bad and so alone and so sad like today.
When I need help the most, it seems is impossible for me to get that help and hence I feel alone, so deeply alone I can’t even explain with words.
It’s funny the realm of feelings, especially the bad ones. They elude me, they create a complicated setting in which I am lost and ignorant and I can’t help myself nor I can be helped.
And with this sort of pain, bad thoughts are coming, joint togheter in a marriage of despair… self destruction has never been so sweet.
Yet I am still here, somehow, with a burden of pain I cannot explain or share or even barely show.
What’s walking under my skin, what’s breathing with me is a deep pit of desperation that is soothed by nothing and revived by everything.
One little thought is making me hold onto this mockery of life, it’s a deep thought as deep anything must be in this cases and it’s making me cry now but for good and maybe with its help I will be able to resist all my demons… maybe.

I am not strong enough now to share it and it’s not meant to be shared. I am not strong enough though for this pain as well.
Lost into a dark forest of missing meanings and lost connections, a forest of lost hope, I feel like a child with not path and all the fears in the world behind the shoulders. Waiting for the wolf maybe. Or for the grace of an unforgiving sun.

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