Apologize

27 05 2010

WI must really apologize with my readers because my last posts were very criptic, too obscure even for me somehow. I’ll try to be clear and simple from now on, although is very difficult for my inner nature is probably one of pure chaos.

Yes, I have now an Owner and yes, I’ll soon relocate to reach him and be his 24/7. It’s a big jump and it’s been very difficult but at the same time it was joyful.
What’s happening in the last few weeks is that I am rejecting the very same thought and I am full of doubts I never had and I don’t know how to deal with.
I always like pain but now the thought of it and the feeling I have after causing me some self-pain, is something I can’t stand and I would do anything to avoid it. I always like to show myself, to feel a bitch, but now the very thought of it disappeared and what I am left it’s just sorrow and fear and certainly not a single wish toward sluttiness. I always liked to follow orders, especially demanding ones but now even following the basic ones is difficult and not rewarding, just very stressful.

I do trust my Owner in this, but I fear the situation I am in might be too much for him and certianly is too much for me. I am constantly depressed and emptied of any sexual energy but in all this the ironic part is that what I have between my legs seems to follow his own desire and is well awake in moments in which my brain is simply too shattered and I just want to cry.

I don’t know what’s happening to me, I don’t know how and why I feel so deeply the willingness to flee and run and fly away. I don’t know why there is no more pleasure, why there is no more fun, why there is no more joy but only deep sadness and thoughts of desperation.

Have you got any idea? Is that normal in the mind of a slave to feel this kind of things? If so, honestly, the pain I can bear on my body is nothing compared to the pain of the mind. A pain I cannot stop or turn my head away from, a pain that follow me in everything I do and anything I think and that stains every single second of my time.

I had yesterday a set of new rules to follow, a set of behaviour to endorse to make me feel more submissive. It didn’t work at all honestly and I had a sort of panic attack yesterday in the morning while following all that set of rules. Back one year ago that rules would have greatly enached my slave feelings, now instead they’re just a pain I cannot stand and something I cannot understand. Back in time that rules would have made me feel a real slave and I would have reached that point where nothing matters but pleasing my Owner, and it would start from the first single action because I would recognize in this actions the proper things to do for a slave. Now this is not happening and I don’t know why.

I’m scared and I feel shallow and alone and I don’t allow myself any pleasure anymore. My appetite deserted me and my willingness to wank as well. As I am feeling now, I don’t even want to have an orgasm, I would just sleep all the day and hide from anything.

Have you got any idea of what’s happening to me? I don’t. What I thought is simply that I am still fighting my ego and somehow he is winning. What I thought is that, unlikely my previous experience, this one will become a real one and it’s "realness" is something I can’t cope with alone.

Or maybe I’m just seriously depressed and all this is not helping me. Or this is the Shadow and it’s striking hard and merciless and its blows are killing my soul.

Whatever is going on, I can’t do it. I can’t take more. I can’t let myself go and I don’t know why.
Can you help me?

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