The randomness of desire

10 05 2010

There is a movement of silence in act. It’s peaceful and harmless. Is a decreased disinterest for almost everything and everyone but the simplicity of resting and waiting. The weird holidays are indeed going to an end. I just have to turn the mobile on and maybe someone will txt me and I will be able to go out and have fun but, honestly, I am not so sure I feel like.
It’s difficult to answer to such a simple question like “How are you? How’s London?” not because I don’t have an answer but mostly because of the remains that such a question leaves on my tongue.
There is something underneath the surface that still wants to explore the possibilities because maybe I did something wrong, because maybe I never had enough time, because maybe I never understood what’s wrong and I never tried to fix it.

It is my choice though? Can I lead a simple life? Or am I somehow destined to something else?
And if the answer is somehow positive, what that “somehow” will be?
I am deliberatly trying to avoid any thought about all of this. And surprisinly it’s happening. Like I am sedating the beast and in doing so I’m putting to rest everything ralated to my slave being.

I am not sure if it’s good or bad. It’s simple happening as I am here, as I feel I am distant both from my duties and from my fantasies. It’s a sort of a Limbo that I would like to live forever though, there is no pain in it, there is no joy but there is a certain degree of peace.

I am under the impression it’s just a moment though, the quite before the storm.
My mind is focused on something else, on having a shower now and then going out to maybe meet a friend or just enjoy the city. But I am not enjoying it… it’s a shallow walk to places I would like to feel mine but it’s obvious that they’re not.
I would like to come back to Italy? Yes I would. But I can’t see myself here.
So there is a constant paradox and yet my thoughts, split in two by a mistery, are going in different directions. I leave them running, I follow them with my eye, but they go and I don’t feel anything. I am hiding somewhere distant.

Come to find me. And please help me.

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