Forward from the pit

26 04 2010
On the train, waiting to go home. The perfect time to think. I thought about what words to use all the day because I don’t feel I want to share what’s happening to me here. Since looks like I must, for reason which are not entieryly mine and that I highly disapprove, I must say that all what comes to my mind is that I lost the stimulus to do anything.

Speaking of my weird and silly mental processes, I have the impression they hang on pretty and delicate threads and the whole construction is almost a facade. It need next to nothing to broke them and trash me down into a dark hole.

Sometimes is a music, sometimes is a powerful event, sometimes it’s what I start to think. it ends of course in days, or weeks, of sleep deprivation (or more than that sleep that is not recharging at all) and a general loss of appetite… pretty a usual reaction for me.
On top of that there is the loss of faith. Not in a “power that be” but in the possibility of my own future, in the hope that I might find my place. Once that is shredded to pieces like it is now, nothing has meaning and what I feel is just a never ending sadness.

Is pretty simple then if one looks to it with the right mindset. A loss of confidence, a loss of motivation, a loss of hope and the trick is done, my minds goes back to the deep hole that sucked years of my life in the past and that is never really healed. Call it how you like it, I prefer not to give it a name to avoid giving it power. But over the years the pain it generates it’s so strong that I am no more able to cope with ordinary life. I can’t pretend everything is alright and I can’t lie.

So that’s the situation now. With no meaning and no purpose and certainly no trust or hope, I can’t function, I can’t live. I’m broken.
And the worst part is that I don’t want to be fixed. I don’t. It means I will have to rely on someone who pretends to know me but I don’t believe it hence is useless.

All that I need is a shrink, maybe. And lot of pills. The goals is to not fell anything anymore. And join the zombie parade. In that way I will win. There won’t be anyone any-more interested in me and life will go on as has always be… shallow maybe but at least not so painful that I can’t breath.

Is this my path, really? or it’s just madness?




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