May you live in thoughtful times

20 04 2010

I would like to start this entry saying that it’s a task that my onwer gave me since he’s away.
I am missing him and the usual evening talk we’re having this weeks but it’s ok. I like tasks too. Today i’m going to speak about what I feel right now and what I see. I should not try to understand the reason but speaking about how I feel will inevitably end up with explaining something about that reason and the understanding I have of it so i have to do it.
Today I felt a bit lost and anxious and I was trying to understand why. It might be work, which is particularly challenging these days, it might be the new situation in which I am in, I don’t know. But i needed to understand what’s happening to me and that’s what I would like to explore today: my never-ending quest of the reasons of everything. I have a feeling of what started all this. I was feeling a bit sad and depressed because after University I saw that my life wasn’t going to be great, at least not in the way I dreamt of it. Hence to keep this bad feeling away my mind started to take the habit of over-analysing it’s own processes. It’s a bit tiring sometimes but it’s efficient… spending time thinking how and why you’re feeling this or that, gives you less time to actually feel that feeling. so you’re your own placebo.
after a bit though everything started to slow down again and sadness overwhelmed the thinking process, stopping one by one all my dreams and my little addictions (to music, to drawing to rpg etc).
The whole process was very slow and it took me actually years to understand what was going on. I was becoming depressed and every single bit of responsibility coming from things like home or work or office management was giving me more reason for pushing me even more down the dark hole. Speaking with an expert, a lovely life couch lady, we had the impression I needed a change and I got it: a new country, a new city, a new job. And for a while everything was fine again. But that was not very cunning… it was curing the symptoms without actually finding a cure for the sickness.
So I found myself in the funny situation of doing the same thing I was hating before, even in a more complicated situation for I had no friends and no family and the language was not my own.
Again every single bit of responsibility I was running away from my previous life, fell on my shoulders with even more weight systematically taking away all the fun and the amusement.
Then I had a couple of situation that made me understand what I could be missing just leaving myself living.
Then I suddenly understood that I was spending so much energy – hence so much stress – keeping everything controlled and understood again for the simple reason that I am a control freak and I can’t stand the uncontrolled but, here’s the funny part, I am not able to cope with the responsibility that comes with control. From a slave point of view is funny: you want control – which you romantically see as your freedom-, nobody gives you that, you give it to yourself and then you go crazy because you can’t stand it. Amazing.
An in all this you still fight yourself, basically, because you’re stuck in doing the same things you’re doing since years and you’re mind is so adept in over-thinking and analysing that you can’t avoid it, that you can’t let yourself go. Even observing without judging or analysing is next to impossible because what’s keeping you together it’s just the fact you’re analysing everything, you’re putting everything in place giving it less and less power over you hence controlling it somehow.

So there is, indeed, a small red thread that goes around me and keeps growing and growing and layering on me like a cocoon.
I wonder what will happen when the the trigger will be pulled and the cocoon will fall.
I wonder. I wonder indeed.

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