the power of the Ego

18 04 2010

As simple as it can be, as difficult it can sound, it’s still something I will always try to do… I’ll will always want to explore myself to understand more and more and more. I have no clue where all this will bring me and along the journey sometimes I am scared.
But it’s still fascinating how powerful is our shining armor, the Ego we wear every day to go to work and force ourself to smile. It’s strong, it’s powerful and is difficult to sedate. I can’t do it without help for the Ego I built up alone in all this years is a knight on a white horse and has no marks on his armor, has no shadows in his eyes. He’s fighting everything and anything knowing he’s going to lose anyway but that doesn’t matter. The fight is not his purpose, his purpose is in the armor, his duty is in the mortification of passion and flesh to keep is mantle white and his heart empty.

I am not sure there is something like a “slave” mind somewhere in me. The simple idea of it screams of Ego though. Instead of saying that I am what I am, to accept myself for what I might be or become, I try to hide behind definitions and roles and names.
That’s why I find difficult to find my place, that’s why it was virtually impossible for me to explore my dark side. I can’t let myself go, I simply I can’t.
While in bondage sometimes I can see through my blindfold, a little bit. I can see my whole body, the legs kept apart, the nipples and the pegs.
In pain there is some kind of freedom and his not too far to reach but it eludes me the more I am into the uknown the more I can’t simply stop myself in closing all my soul, locking it deeply inside of me.
Hence yes, I am not free but I seek control and domination for a freedom purpose: why? It’s a simple paradox honestly, in my confinement I find my freedom, I find myself able to be ultimately myself.
Is that so simple? It’s just a game or ropes and pegs and occasional spankings?
No, it’s not. If it were so simple I would have dozens of different lovers and I would have find in them that so called freedom.
No, it’s not that simple. The key to my soul is my mind, it’s my feelings. You can’t open my door without the right key and that key I still have to understand what is like. I suppose is trust, I suppose is care, I suppose is a kind of twisted love… in any way is something strong and doesn’t know bounds somehow even if the bounds are indeed written on my flesh.

So there is a path, somehow. But I am lost, I am speechless and I have no knowledge. I am a child in front of something I constructed in the years and it’s going to take time to destroy. To build something new again. To be free finally.

This is the Tower. And a lighting will soon strike it making it fall. No matter what I’ll do to protect it, it will fall in the end.
And a new cycle will begin for the door is struck down, finally.

And I still have the music. Somehow.

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