A life of loneliness leaves scars, somehow. I’m trying to learn to live with a few of them, others are simply too deep to even stare at.
What makes me feel this craving for total understanding then? What makes me feel so deep the need of strong guidance? What makes me desire to be so open?
Maybe is what I never experienced, what I never saw. For my soul was never touched deeply enough, for my hunger was never satisfied.
I want more, always. What I have is not enough for what I have is not in any way something I cannot understand.
What I look for is that one able to understand me even beyond my own idea of myself, someone to make the right choice for me. As silly it can be, the price I pay is just for this: to be understood totally.
And every rope, every whipping, every belting is just a matter of forcing myself into this… being able to be so open I don’t have to speak anymore. Being just me.
How jolly is that?

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