If only I could scream

14 08 2009

——– Original Message ——–
Subject: If only I could scream
From: Slave Boy Cute Toy
To: WordPress
CC:

I’ve never really good with feelings, I know. I’ve never been good at expressing them or having them so I always supressed them.
This is not happening anymore and I know why. This training I started touched a part of me deeply inside my soul, deeply connected with feelings and all that things I tried so much to avoid.
So it takes just nothing and I start to feel lost. It might be only a temporary absence of my Daddy, a few hours when he’s busy and he won’t reply to my messages, and I feel completely and utterly lost. I know he’s busy or maybe he’s teaching me something… but I can’t help myself and I’m powerless in experiencing this feelings.
I know also what’s the cause. I know that we are at the beginning of our trip and still I don’t fully understand him or know him so I feel this little gasps in a very dramatic way. He’ll be back, I must say to myself, he’ll be back.
And again another epiphany happens, as I see myself logically explaining that it’s just this, it’s being human, having a work, being normal. So I realize what’s happening, another beast is released in my soul and I have to tame it. Trying with logic is not helping. Nor with yoga too.

There is a name for this state in the shaman way. It’s called facing the shadow. Everything I buried is still there and in the years matured as a dark, luscious fruit.
What I don’t know yet if it’s for me to face it, me alone… or if to face it I have to ask for guidance from someone that can see behind it.

The witch who’s in me says: feel, act, bite. Then shut your mouth and let the shadow eat you.
The slave in me says: feel, slow down, kneel. And then open your mouth and offer your neck and wait for the whip.

Who will come first? That’s the question.

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